blessings

Time at home has been such a blessing. While I've been feeling the occasional random bouts of longing for friends and scenery in Fort Collins, I have immensely enjoyed living with my family again, seeing old friends, and getting more time alone with God.

A list of blessings from the past several days:

1. Rekindling an old friendship at Mimi's Cafe while scarfing down a [free] breakfast.
2. A date with my wise dad at Chick-fil-a.
3. Warm summer evenings spent watching American Idol and eating ice cream with the family.
4. Witnessing 1,000+ Air Force Academy cadets graduate, hearing the President speak, and watching the Thunderbirds.
5. Watching summer sunsets in the still but majestic presence of the Creator.
6. A picnic breakfast with a good friend and being asked to stand by her side on her wedding day.
7. Catching up with my mom while eating mediterranean food at Garbanzo.
8. Panera date with a good friend and familiar Fort Collins face -- so good for my uprooted soul.
9. Singing along to a childhood movie, Quest for Camelot, with the family.
10. Playing guitar and singing with my younger brother -- sweet harmonies.
11. Witnessing a good friend marry her beloved and celebrating with college friends.
12. Celebrating another friend's new marriage with old high school friends the same day.
13. Remembering the effect Scripture memory has on my perception of who God is, especially in regard to my circumstances.
14. Getting loud and crazy over games with the family and family friends.
15. College memories rushing in, but not a feeling of remorse or discontentment -- simply gratitude and joy.

flower petals in a fountain at Chauncey & Jake's 

wedding at the Hillside Gardens

 best summer ice cream ever

Air Force Academy graduation

perspectives

Moving back home was something I looked forward to because, for some reason, I thought three years of growth in another town meant I would come back this new, mature person who could start over. So much has changed over the past three years regarding my connections to this city, and I figured it would be a familiar environment but a completely new community. I would find a new job, get involved in a new church, and plug into a new group of friends.

I do believe that will happen eventually, but it's starting to hit me -- that there is still history, and there are people and old situations I can't quite run away from.

Just because you leave a place doesn't necessarily mean you can leave the hard stuff behind and it will all just disappear. Because when you come back, some of that hard stuff will be waiting for you. Moreover, some of that hard stuff has grown or changed in its own way as well, which can cause either more or less conflict.

I know I have grown over the last three years. Coming back has made me see that I had left some things unsettled, and now that I've started to face these things, a lot of things aren't going the way I would like. There is a lot of confusion, a lot of ambiguity. All my life, my first instinct has been to demand order, demand closure, demand clarification -- or else I run away.

This time, I am choosing to focus my thoughts and interests on Christ. Instead of regretting the way things have turned out and questioning God's sovereignty, I am choosing to humble myself under His mighty hand and look at my circumstances with a new perspective.

These are opportunities to forgive 70x7. To love. To always trust, hope and persevere.

view of Pikes Peak from where I sat with 

my dad after he fed me wisdom this afternoon

selah

My windows were rolled down just a crack so I could feel the slight summer night chill as I drove home from a friend's engagement celebration. Soft but powerful music filled the space, mixing with the sounds of other cars beside me and the occasional cricket in between noises.

Selah.

I've been listening to Jenny & Tyler's latest album Open Your Doors. It's a new favorite. Each song was written so beautifully and profoundly, neatly putting into words the mess of my heart lately. This will sound cheesy, but it's basically the soundtrack of my life this past year. The second song is titled, "Abide." The last song is titled, "Selah."

A few days ago, before I discovered Jenny & Tyler's album, I began looking for and studying Scripture on abiding in Jesus. I Googled "Bible passages about abiding in God," and stumbled across this article on abiding in prayer.

What struck me particularly was the section on joining the selah of the psalmist. It's kind of embarrassing, but I've never taken the time to look up what selah really means. It occurs 71 times in Psalms, but for some reason I never thought twice about figuring out what it meant, and if I did, I didn't think much of its meaning.

There is difficulty translating this word exactly, but it has been said to probably be a musical term or command that means "stop and listen" -- an interlude of music where the singing stops and you are instructed to pause and think about what has been sung. The etymology included on Blue Letter Bible says it means "to lift up, exalt... a technical musical term probably showing accentuation, pause, interruption."

In our daily lives, selah is a command to be still before God, to listen, and to abide in His presence. As I drove home tonight, I sang along with Jenny & Tyler. But as the album came to a close and I turned the street corner, "Selah" came on and there were no words. I couldn't sing along anymore. And instead I was silent, pondering the music and the silence, and the Creator of both -- and I understood the meaning of selah. My spirit knew peace, and I simply abided in His presence.

the sky at dusk tonight

identities

On May 12, 2012, I let go of an identity I claimed for 16 years: a student.

Over the years, I've learned who I am in Christ -- a sheep, a servant, a daughter, a bride. But now that I've finished school, who am I to the world?

An unemployed twentysomething.

Oh, I know this isn't all I am. As I've moved back home with my family for the time-being until I can financially support myself, I remember my other identities: a daughter, a sister, a friend.

But those were never identities I could really hide behind because they weren't necessarily an occupation, whereas being a student was. Now that I've graduated, I can't hide behind the "I'm just a poor college student" mentality anymore. I've got to "face the world," as they say.

.......

I've been pondering the thought of abiding in Jesus.

ABIDE.

It's been my "theme," if you will, for the past couple weeks. As I step out of the student identity and figure out something new, I want to learn more of what it means to abide in Him, how to do so, and I want to do just that -- simply abide in Him.

I am a twentysomething searching for a passion, searching for love, and searching for a job.

graduation flowers from family and friends

beautiful sunset from my backyard