A lot of us as kids grow up longing for romance. We're fed these romantic notions in fairy tale stories and cartoons, progressing into chick flicks, romance novels and love songs as we get older. For some people, there is nothing wrong or tempting about engaging in these things. But for some (especially people like me with obsessive or addictive tendencies), these activities can become fuel to the fire of something much bigger and deeper.
A bit of my story
One of my first memories of this tendency was from when I was 5 years old, fascinated with this one animated show just because there was a male and female character in it that seemed romantically inclined, and I became obsessed with the pairing. I liked the romance, no matter how little it was. It was suspenseful, exciting and more interesting than what was going on in my life as a first grader.
It was something as innocent as that fictional romance that allowed me to make room for Satan to play around with this tendency in my life. From then on, everything I did was centered around romance. My interests, my talents, the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I behaved -- heck, the way my handwriting looked! Every move I made was done with the awareness of what a boy would think of me.
I gave Satan a foothold, allowing him to take a simple longing and interest in romance and turn it into a stronghold in my life that has consumed my every thought and action. I didn't deal with it at the time the habits of an adult are formed as a child. As a result, romance and the hopes for it are something I involuntarily breathe day in and day out.
When romance becomes a god
You know, there's really nothing wrong in wanting romance. After all, we were created sexual beings, longing for intimacy, love and acceptance. But man and woman were never meant to become each others' gods. They were not meant to complete each other outside of God but to help each other find wholeness in God.
Man has become my god. It's something I started believing when I was 5 years old. I saw something in the movies and novels that I wanted, something I thought was real -- a man who could know a woman through and through and love her and accept her for all of who she is. I believed that ultimate affirmation, acceptance, comfort, security and love were something I could only find in a man. I gave up finding these things in God alone because I believed He would someday give them to me through a man.
Man has become my god. I believe fulfillment is in a man. My life revolves around finding a man and getting married because I believe that what I'm searching for, what I'm longing for, will finally be satisfied in him.
To be whole
But here's the problem: Men are broken in the same way women are.
Many divorces are the result of either husband or wife going into the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person -- the mindset that the other person can complete them and satisfy them in a way they don't realize only God can.
My pride is talking when I tell God, "You're holding out on me. I'm still looking for something, and I haven't found it yet. Surely a man has it." It is this same mentality that keeps me going back to porn. I'm just looking around. I know there's something here that will satisfy me -- I just haven't found it yet.
And when will I ever find it?
Wholeness is but a promise I am waiting to see redeemed. Man can promise it, but again and again his promises have failed.
God has made this promise of wholeness, redemption and full satisfaction in Him (Philippians 3:20-21, Ephesians 4:13, John 10:10). I don't believe I will be whole until I am forever united with my Lord, my Savior, my Creator, my God. The Holy Spirit promises me this (2 Corinthians 1:20-22).
Do I have evidence of this? Except for my life in the process of healing? No. Everything about God is about faith. But I would rather trust in His promise of wholeness based on what He has proven to me thus far than continue to bank on finding wholeness in a man who is here one day and gone tomorrow (Psalm 144:4).
Don't get me wrong, I really like men. I still pray I'll be married someday. But I can't go on with this romantic stronghold in my life, living and breathing for romance, putting man on a pedestal and hoping he will complete me. There is no man who could ever know me through and through and love and accept me for all of who I am. No man or woman can do that all the time for anyone. It's unhealthy for me to have these expectations of him, and if I continue to do so, I will only end up hurt and disappointed.
Because I am covered in Christ's death and resurrection, only God can know me through and through, love me and accept me for all of who I am. Only in Him am I fully known. When we learn to believe this truth and approach love and romance with this mindset, we allow God to be the center of a pure, healthy, God-fearing relationship and marriage -- one in which both man and woman love and respect each other and help each other draw nearer to the only God who can truly make them whole.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
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