This is what happens when Saul and his men return:
Early in the morning [the prophet] Samuel got up and went to meet Saul, but he was told, “Saul has gone to Carmel. There he has set up a monument in his own honor and has turned and gone on down to Gilgal.”
When Samuel reached him, Saul said, “The Lord bless you! I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.”
But Samuel said, “What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?”
Saul answered, “The soldiers brought them from the Amalekites; they spared the best of the sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the Lord your God, but we totally destroyed the rest.”
“Enough!” Samuel said to Saul. “Let me tell you what the Lord said to me last night.”
“Tell me,” Saul replied.
Samuel said, “Although you were once small in your own eyes, did you not become the head of the tribes of Israel? The Lord anointed you king over Israel. And he sent you on a mission, saying, ‘Go and completely destroy those wicked people, the Amalekites; wage war against them until you have wiped them out.’ Why did you not obey the Lord? Why did you pounce on the plunder and do evil in the eyes of the Lord?”
“But I did obey the Lord,” Saul said. “I went on the mission the Lord assigned me. I completely destroyed the Amalekites and brought back Agag their king. The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God, in order to sacrifice them to the Lord your God at Gilgal.”
But Samuel replied: “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.”
Then Saul said to Samuel, “I have sinned. I violated the Lord’s command and your instructions. I was afraid of the men and so I gave in to them. Now I beg you, forgive my sin and come back with me, so that I may worship the Lord.”
But Samuel said to him, “I will not go back with you. You have rejected the word of the Lord, and the Lord has rejected you as king over Israel!”
As Samuel turned to leave, Saul caught hold of the hem of his robe, and it tore. Samuel said to him, “The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today and has given it to one of your neighbors—to one better than you. He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a human being, that he should change his mind.”
Saul replied, “I have sinned. But please honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel; come back with me, so that I may worship the Lord your God.” So Samuel went back with Saul, and Saul worshiped the Lord...
Then Samuel left for Ramah, but Saul went up to his home in Gibeah of Saul. Until the day Samuel died, he did not go to see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord regretted that he had made Saul king over Israel.
(1 Samuel 15:12-31, 34-35)There are several lessons I have taken from this passage. But the thing that caught my eye the first time I read it is this concept of obedience, even when the command seems small and less-glorifying to God.
I don't know Saul's real reasons for defying the Lord, but it appears to be one of pride -- he was too proud to come back from battle without anything to show for his victory, and he was too proud to believe that what God had commanded him to do would bring Him more glory than if Saul brought back animals to sacrifice to the Lord.
So Saul took matters into his own hands and disobeyed the Lord, bringing back spoils and making sacrifices to the Lord -- something that made him look better in front of the people and, perhaps he thought, made him look better before God.
The day that I read this in the Philippines, I was helping someone where needed at Samaritana, a small task in my eyes. As I looked over to see what the other volunteers were doing, I started comparing myself to them. I thought, "Why can't I be doing the task they've been given? Certainly what they're doing is worth more than what I'm doing. They'll have better stories to tell people back home. They're making more of an impact. Certainly what they're doing brings God more glory."
At that moment, I thought back to my 1 Samuel 15 reading that morning, and I saw an application: In the same way that Saul thought he knew better than the Lord, I also thought I knew better. I wasn't content in just obeying the Lord and serving where I was needed; I thought I had to be doing something better, something that would make me look better to others, something that would make more of an impact, something that would, in my eyes, bring more glory to God.
For the time, that's where my analysis of that Scripture stopped. But now I see something new in this passage.
Let me back up a bit.
As more and more people ask me how the Philippines was, I find myself becoming more and more real about it. There were so many blessings, answers to prayer and fun times on that trip. But lately, to be completely honest, it's been hard for me to find joy in that trip because, now that I've been able to take a couple steps back and look at the trip as a whole, I can see this overarching shadow of confusion, frustration and discontentment over my summer.
So the real, raw truth about the Philippines, beyond the good things I've described in my previous posts?
It was definitely a challenging and testing time, full of constant uprooting, let-down expectations (which I shouldn't have had in the first place), relational conflicts and personal insecurities. I had a hard time believing I was making any impact, and I still can't see it.
I entered each new day just hoping I was going to have some kind of breakthrough in a relationship, see some kind of calling, make some kind of tangible difference... And when the last day came around and nothing had changed, I reached a new low of discouragement.
I was expecting that God would show me why I was there, something big that would make sense of all the confusing things that happened on that trip, and when nothing was revealed that satisfied my expectations -- because He did indeed reveal things, small as they were in my eyes -- I was left confused and frustrated.
In all of it, I believe I was seeking God. I believe I did what I could do with what I was given at the time. I continually asked the Lord for patience, for a change in attitude, for an available heart, but not much changed. Looking back, I have a hard time coming to terms with this. If I was abiding in Him and trying so hard to have a good attitude and find joy in everything, why was it so difficult? Was I doing something wrong still? Why did the Spirit move so slowly to bring about change in me? Why was my heart apparently too stubborn to change?
As I tell others about the Philippines, I become discontent with the story I have. Why can't I have the story others have about their mission trips? Why is it so hard for me to get sincerely excited about my Philippines trip without all these doubts and frustrations consuming my mind?
But as I shared all this with my mom yesterday, 1 Samuel 15 came to mind again. I realized this: In the same way Saul felt like he just had to come back from battle with spoils in hand -- something to show for his victory, something to prove the accomplishment of his mission -- I felt like I had to come back from the Philippines with something tangible in hand, something to show for this accomplished mission, something big and impactful, something exciting and worth my being there (in my eyes).
My pride is getting in the way of telling the whole story. Sure, there are times when I sum up my trip and say something simple such as, "It was good, but really hard." But there are times when I try to embellish my story and only point out the good things, sometimes even exaggerating those things to drown out my doubts and frustrations.
But what is obedience to the Lord in this situation? To tell the story He's given me. And that story is full of doubts. And that story is full of frustration. It's full of unresolved confusion in my heart. It's full of unlearnt lessons. But it's also full of His grace. And it's full of His patience with me. It's full of learning new things and a familiar culture, things I forget I didn't know before this trip.
This story may not seem attractive to people. Some may get annoyed with my feelings. Some may feel like there was no point in my being there. But I am in no position to feel like I have to defend God and the story He chose to give me. Of course I made mistakes, but the Lord went before me anyway. This story is powerful, and it has meaning -- even if I think it's boring and a downer. I need to be content with not having as "pretty" a story as others do.
But we are sinners. And we are buffoons. It is not the level of our spirituality that we can depend on. It is God and nothing less than God, for the work is God's and the call is God's and everything is summoned by Him and to His purposes, the whole scene, the whole mess, the whole package -- our bravery and our cowardice, our love and our selfishness, our strengths and our weaknesses... He gives all the light we need for trust and obedience.
--Elisabeth Elliot
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