porn relapse

"Freedom is living in victory while being aware that your enemy does not accept his defeat."

(Jessica Harris, "The Final Stage: The Alert Soldier")

Being raw here, I had it set in my mind that I was completely done with sexual sin. Eight months free can build a certain pride in you that makes you think you're above ever having a "relapse" in an addiction. 

Days in a row, and I found myself growing emptier and emptier as I filled up on my best friend, porn. I assumed old mentalities: I'm just checking something real quick... There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing... Okay, I've screwed up, might as well get it all in now... God knows this is a life-long process, He doesn't care... It won't be too difficult to admit this to my accountability partner tomorrow... I'm sorry God, just hold on a minute... I DON'T CARE.

After 10 years of this cycle of addiction and healing, I have found another thing to add to my list of sex problems to figure out: Indifference to sexual sin. Why? I don't know. I'm not going to figure all that out on this blog post. 

What I want to say is that God is a God of grace. 

I will not...

1) tell myself again that is just something I'm going to struggle with the rest of my life, no need to take care of it now.

2) give myself permission to fall. 

3) hold back anything from accountability; I will make sure Covenant Eyes is on both my laptop and my iPhone.

4) deliberately put myself in the way of temptation.

5) be discouraged.

I will...

1) remember that there will always be a world of porn to explore, there will always be more, but it will never leave me satisfied.

2) admit that looking at porn is exciting and fun, BUT it is merely "anticipating something that is not real, bonded to something that does not exist." There is no point.

3) make a decision to no longer justify sexual sin but to fight to the best of my ability (the strength and will God has given me) to resist the devil and his strongholds in my life.

4) be encouraged that God is standing beside me, shovels in both our hands, as we stare at this pile of crap in my life that we're both going to get rid of together. I have not been abandoned.

5) focus less on not sinning and more on loving God.

6) say yes when the Lord asks, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:1-15)


Because daring to say yes to the Lord when He asks if we want to be made well means being ready for some painfully radical transformation!