his grace still stands

I wrestle enough with the concept of God's grace. Acknowledging it is difficult, accepting it is hard, and trusting it feels sometimes impossible. I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to ease into the Father's arms. Sometimes I can even believe He's actually embracing me instead of what I tend to think -- that He's shaking His head, looking down on me and saying, "I'm not pleased with you. How can you think that I am?" I'm starting to believe His grace is sufficient to cover over all my sins, even the deliberate, pre-meditated sins of addiction.

Right now, God is leading me through a valley of confusion, of sorrow and of testing. I am filled with a deep longing for things to be resolved; I am chasing after truth and it seems I can never grasp it. What do you when you're confronted with the big questions of life? The big controversies of the Bible, the hot topics of today?

What do you do when people diligently following Jesus are divided, one half believing one thing and the other believing another? How do you reconcile that? We're all looking at the same pages, aren't we? Those who believe are all filled with the Holy Spirit, correct? So why are we coming to so many different conclusions? How can God be pleased with both parties if one believes something is a sin and the other doesn't?

And what happens if I fall into the group that is wrong? What if all this time I've told my heart to rest and ease into the Father's arms, He really is pushing me away because I've interpreted His Word inaccurately? What if all this time I've been an oppressor?

I come to my Father each morning, seeking Him, sitting in silence before Him, reading His Words, and praying He's there with me. But there's fear that because of this confusion and questioning of what the truth is in His Word and where I stand on these issues, He's not very happy with me. He's actually quite furious.

Exhale.

If God's grace extends so far as to cover my most vulgar sins, surely His grace covers my confusion, my brokenness and my questioning. Surely He sees my yearning for truth despite a lack of definite discernment for it right at this moment.

I'm starting to see that my Father isn't so much concerned with how accurate my discernment of what sin is but rather with my attitude toward Him, my availability to the convictions of His Spirit, my thirst for righteousness, and my intimacy with Him. Isn't that what He's always been interested in? That is not an excuse for not exercising judgment or wisdom, because a right relationship with Him brings about an eagerness to learn His ways.

I'm saying that His grace is sufficient for the things that I can't understand right now, the answers I can't find, the issues I can't form definite conclusions on based on His Word -- and that is okay. He desires that I hunger for truth, not necessarily that He reveal it to me all at once.

Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (Psalm 25:8-9)

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:21-26)

Wake me up with patience I don't know. Call me by a name that I lack. Take my hand -- we're almost home, we can see the fire glow. Save me, Grace. I'm sick of saving face. Will You hold me close? You're all I want to know anymore. Desperate love has got me where You want. I surrender -- take me to the place we can start. (Flyleaf, "Saving Grace.")

Thanks-giving, day two: I am thankful for holiday parties with new friends, laughter, hot apple cider and the wonderful feeling of community.