simply abiding: philippines: learning

This is a very long blog post, and hopefully the ones to come won't be as long. But I believe all the details included are necessary to understand how good God is! Also, keep in mind that we are approximately half a day ahead of the States.

Observe.

The smells are so familiar here. That's a thought I have had several times during my first three days here in the Philippines. When I first stepped outside the Manila airport, my first instinct was to hold my breath so as to avoid breathing in the humidity -- the heavy air that holds various smells of pollution, sewage, raw meat, smoke, gasoline and sweat.

But I tell myself to breathe in deeply. Physically breathing in helps tear down the mental block of, "I've been here before. I'm used to all this." There is no mistaking the subtle memories that come to mind when I breathe in. But though I have visited the Philippines three times with my family as a kid, it's been eight years since then, and I see this country -- or, at least, Metro Manila -- with fresh eyes.

The streets are filled with a mixture of cars, buses, Jeepneys and pedestrians -- and though there is near to no traffic enforcement, it somehow works, similar to the way a school of fish makes its way without bumping into one another. There are children with dark sad eyes, walking alongside you and asking for food. People are passed out along the sides of the streets and buildings, sprawled out in the shade, eyes covered. The trees on the outskirts of the more urban parts of the city are a deep shade of green, outlining the Pasig River. There's a sincerity in the eyes of the Philippine people that matches the kindness of their smiles.

These are a few of my observations from the first few days here. Many more are to come as I begin to associate relationships with the culture and the sights.

Connect.

My team is already a family. From traveling 24 hours with half my team to meeting up with the other half in the Philippines, our laughter has covered a range of topics, from awkward culture shock moments to watching two members eat balut to peculiar bowel movements.

We have connected on deeper levels through our love for God and our passion for His people through praying together (we almost missed one of our flights because our eyes were closed in prayer!), visiting different ministry sites, and discussing our ministry decisions.

We have spent the past three days slowly immersing ourselves in the culture, taking the public transportation, eating authentic Philippine food every meal, and learning some of the language, mannerisms and values of Philippine culture in our orientation.

The people here are so great! James, our team leader, has led this trip for 15 years and he is such a hoot! He is very compassionate and has a great sense of humor. Tonton is in-training, and has such a quiet but humorous personality as well.

Bobot and Jean are the Philippine Navigators staff, Bobot being the national leader of the Philippine Navs. We've met and hung out with them and their kids, Noynoy, Daidai and Babi. They are so much fun to be around! We've only seen Babi once, but we've seen Noynoy and Daidai a few times now. Noynoy is hilarious, and Daidai is 18 and such an encouragement -- it's rare to find someone her age so secure in who she is. They work directly with the college/high school ministry at Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP) and other students in the University Belt. They also have a lot of connections to different Nav ministries around the country.

See.

Our first day here was Tuesday, and we spent it visiting the different ministries we had the option of working with. The first option was serving on the different college campuses, whether in IloIlo, PUP or UP in Diliman. The second option was serving in the slums community.

The college ministry would basically consist of evangelizing on the campus, recruiting students to join the Nav ministry, building relationships, discipleship, and leading Bible studies. The need comes in the lack of Nav staff on these college campuses, and the small amount of student laborers on the campuses.

With the slums, we would be staying with a host family in the community. There are five slum communities, all in extremely poor conditions. The host family would receive a stipend to provide food for us, but otherwise, we would be living as part of the community. With that comes its risks, particularly a strong likelihood to catch an illness. Ministry would consist of teaching English to the children, building relationships with the people (especially teenagers), and leading/participating in Bible studies with the families.

As we visited each site, I didn't feel particularly called to either. The people in the slums broke my heart, but they also made me nervous. The people on the campus were very friendly, but they also made me feel nervous. I didn't understand... the rest of my teammates seemed so excited and ready for these ministries -- why did I feel so uneasy? Why did I feel like there was a ministry option I was missing?

Analyze.

For two nights I had trouble sleeping, a combination of jet lag and anxiety. I wrote six pages in my journal of comparing my options, my strengths and weaknesses, my motives, the need and the risks. I spent a lot of time in prayer, laying out my fears and desires to God.

Coming into this trip, I was almost completely set on college ministry. But visiting the college campuses, I didn't really connect with the ministry. The Nav students at UP were so full of life and very friendly, but I didn't get excited about the opportunity to evangelize on the campus and minister to the students.

I heard once that your mission field is where your heart breaks. My heart didn't break on the college campus. It broke in the slums. It broke when a little girl came up to us begging for food in the middle of Nav fellowship at UP. But my fear of being so far out of comfort zone and being so emotionally, mentally and physically unprepared consumed any passion I could have for the slums community. I don't relate too well with children and am really uncomfortable and awkward when I try to relate to the poor. It would be so hard to live there. I couldn't see my strengths playing out in the community, and I saw them being better played out on the college campus.

James told us to be careful not to make our decision based on three things: guilt, need and what others are doing. Nonetheless, those were three big factors in my decision-making process. I saw more need in the slums community, but the thought of it made me so uncomfortable. The college ministry seemed more convenient, but I felt guilty choosing something that involved enclosed air conditioned rooms versus the outdoor mosquito-infested slums. And because two of my team members were already so set on serving in the slums and two others were considering it, I felt like I should too.

Plus, I was afraid I would regret not taking the opportunity to experience the slums and see if I could become passionate for those people. I knew also that a big reason in my mind to choose the slums was because I thought it would sound better to people at home, like that was the only option that would make this a "real" mission trip.

My teammates joked that we spent more thought making a decision that would affect the next five weeks than we did deciding on which college to go to, which would affect four years of our lives.

Listen.

I spent some time listening to God Wednesday morning, and He really spoke Mark 4:35-41 to me. He showed me that my decision was being heavily influenced by fear. I prayed that my decision would not be based on selfish motives and that whatever ministry I chose to become involved in would bring Him glory.

"Why are you so afraid? O you of little faith... Why are you so scared? I don't need you; I could do this all on my own. But I am allowing you to join me in my cause for the poor and the lost. Don't ruin this opportunity -- don't miss out and get caught up in anxiety and fear, but enjoy this privilege to walk alongside Me, stepping out in trust. Have faith, my dear one. Hope that I am doing more than what you can see right now -- both in you and in the circumstances you'll be placed in. And above all, love Me. Be prepared to love the ones I entrust to you, whoever and wherever they may be."

By Wednesday afternoon, I began to lean toward the college ministry. Two teammates were set on the slums, one was still torn, and two were almost set on the college ministry. I started getting excited about serving with the two women wanting to do college ministry, and they discussed how at peace they felt about the decision. I wanted so badly to be able to honestly say the same thing, but I couldn't! I't really frustrated me, because this is something I wanted to be passionate about and had mentally prepared myself for. But something inside me held me back from saying that I was sure this is where God wanted me.

Thursday morning, it was time to make our decision. We gathered around the table and discussed what it would mean to abide in Christ during our time here (abide!), as well as discussed some other business such as finances.

Then Bobot and Jean came in to discuss our decisions with us. But the Holy Spirit prompted me to speak to James first before making a decision. The whole time, I had felt this prompting, but didn't think it was worth mentioning because the ministry options we were given obviously had to be the only options we had. But I just had to make sure, and I believe the Holy Spirit knew that.

Decide.

James and I talked outside the room, and I explained to him my heart for women in bondage to sexual sin. I shared how I had been addicted to and struggled with pornography since I was 10 years old, and how God has worked in my life since then. I told him about the Into the Light study my roommate and I did with four other women who were struggling with various forms of sexual sin last fall semester, that it continued on with a new group of girls this past spring semester, and that it will continue on next year. And I shared that we spoke at the women's regional conference, gave them resources and encouraged women to bring it to their own campuses. This is a movement, and this is where my heart is. Going into this mission trip, part of me believed that there would be a place for this in the Philippines. I just didn't know what it would like.

Immediately, James said it would be perfect if I worked with the Samaritana ministry. Samaritana houses former prostitutes, loves them and teaches them to support themselves outside of prostitution. It's a Navigators ministry also in Manila, and in the past US Nav Missions groups have worked with them, but this year James hadn't been able to get in contact with them. It's also a little more complicated to get involved in. This year, a group of 20 Inter Varsity students are coming to work with the ministry.

But James spoke to Jean who got in contact with the Samaritana Nav staff, and long story short, I and Rachel, another teammate who was torn between the two original ministry options (James had mentioned to her the possibility of working with Samaritana before, and she was sad when he said he couldn't get in contact with them), are now serving with Samaritana!

Because we are two separate ministry teams coming together, there are some complications in scheduling, and as a result, Rachel and I can only work with Samaritana from July 9-20. Details are still up in the air until Sunday, but if there's room for us, we will be staying in the slums community with the women, starting to build relationships with them until we move to the Samaritana center on July 9. If that doesn't happen, between now and then, we will be helping Bobot and Jean with their PUP ministry, ministering to the girls. While I am bummed that we can't serve with Samaritana longer than a week and a half, I am just thankful God provided this opportunity at all! And while I am still praying it works out for Rachel and I to live in the slums community, I am also excited to get to know the PUP girls and to have more time to connect with Daidai if that's what happens.

Believe.

I am so in awe of how God worked it all out. It's difficult to put into words how anxious I was about this decision, and how much a test of faith it was for me. But abide in Him, and He will abide in you, right? I believe that made a big difference in being able to listen to the Holy Spirit's prompting while led to this last-minute ministry option. And I know it will make a big difference in how the next five weeks are spent. I can't tell you enough how important it is to abide in Jesus!

Today (Friday) we are splitting up. Daniel and Rebecca are moving out of the Nav building to live in the slums community. Elizabeth, Jacque, Rachel and I are staying in the Nav building. Elizabeth and Jacque are commuting to the University of the Philippines in Diliman and will start working with the students there. Rachel and I will be with Jean and will discuss what the next two weeks with the PUP ministry will look like.

Every Saturday we will all come together again to teach English (some of us will teach other subjects) to the children in the slums. On Sundays, we will rest, hang out, share and pray together. Then on Mondays, we will go back to our separate ministries.

I believe God is going to do so much in and through our team. The past three days already have been a whirlwind of emotions, trust and new culture, and I can't imagine what else God has in store for us and the people we will be serving!

I will give more details on the Samaritana ministry when I have them. Pray for wisdom and ready hearts for all of us, please!

Thank you all for your support and love =)

--Karla