on passion and purity: waiting

I have read a lot of books about purity, dating and men over the past 11 years -- including but certainly not limited to When God Writes Your Love Story, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Lady in Waiting, The Truth About Guys, Every Young Woman's Battle, Let's Talk! and For Young Women Only. But none of these books have so beautifully addressed this concept of love and relationships as Elisabeth Elliot has in Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control. 

I don't know why, but I always put off reading this book when I was younger because it didn't look as colorful and "teen-friendly" as the other more modern books did. But this book, written in 1984 --supported by the author's own memories, journals and old love letters between her and her first (late) husband Jim Elliot -- is the only one I remember that has forced the reader to take a long, hard look at romance and say, "This will not fulfill me; this is not something I have to spend my life waiting for in order to truly live."

A slip of paper handed to me at a seminar had this question written on it: "What do you do when you feel you've come to a point that your singlehood appears to be an inadequate status for deep personal growth? How long do you hang on?"

Good thing I wasn't on the platform when that question came. I might have chuckled. I toyed with the idea of giving the facetious answer: "Three more days, then go out and either ask somebody to marry you or hang yourself."

But of course that was not what I said. The crux of the matter is that phrase "an inadequate status for deep personal growth." Is that what singleness is? Does that mean marriage and only marriage is an adequate status for deep personal growth? How ever did Jesus manage, then, as a single man?

I'm afraid the snake has been talking to that person. He's been sneaking up and whispering, "God is stingy. He dangles that beautiful fruit called marriage before your eyes and won't let you have it. He refuses you the only thing you need for deep personal growth, the one thing in all the world that would solve all your problems and make you really happy." (Passion and Purity, Ch. 6)

Elisabeth simply shares her life with the reader, pulling out her own experiences and drawing from them quiet but convicting truths of how we should be offering up our love lives to God. Nowhere in this book (well, the first half that I've read so far) does Elisabeth feed the reader some expectation that marriage is something He will give us. In Chapter 11, Jim shared Matthew 19:12 with Elisabeth and told her that God may be calling him to singleness -- and that, at least for that time, he was able to accept it. Likewise, Elisabeth shared Isaiah 54:5 and 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 with him, saying that singleness was something she was also considering.

No Christian ought to put himself outside the possibility that this [a life of singleness] is his assignment. The claims must be considered. Jim and I were startled to find how closely in this, as in other matters, our thoughts seemed to coincide... We decided the best thing to do was pray steadily and wait patiently till God made the way plain.

As most people know, they ended up getting married. But at the time, Jim and Elisabeth did not demand this of God. They sought the Lord full-heartedly, not even allowing their physical desires for the other to overcome them. And they were certainly there!

"I'm hungry for you, Bett," he had said. He was not one to beat around the bush. "We're alike in our desire for God. I'm glad for that. But we're different, too. I've got the body of a man, and you've got the body of a woman, and frankly, I want you. But you're not mine."

Not his. God's. That much was clear. But what was God going to do about all this? Was He interested in the plight of two college kids?... God made [the stars.] He knows their names, knows exactly where they belong. Can He keep track of us?

Each of their hearts were so committed to God that they knew marriage would not solve every problem they ever had. They knew each other could not fill the other up. They did not make each other his or her own god. 

So many books I've read have put me in this mentality of waiting. And maybe I'm the one who misunderstood and took this concept and ran with it in the wrong direction, but I've lived my life so far in this state of waiting for a man. Waiting for a relationship. Waiting for marriage. Waiting to be complete. Up until about a year ago, Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones was my favorite Christian dating book. There really are some good points in that book. But this book is all about "becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right." Waiting.

The first time I started challenging this concept of waiting was during a conversation I had with some of my roommates. I don't remember what it was about. All I know is that at one point I mentioned how we were in this stage of waiting for our future husbands, and one of my roommates replied, "We're not waiting." She said it firmly, and at the time I took it as defensiveness. But I'm starting to see that the Holy Spirit was using her to rebuke me for having this mentality that all my life before I get married is a waste. Before I get married, I'm just getting by, barely living, simply waiting to be rescued from singleness.

That is not the life Christ died for. I want to be thriving. Living.

There is a difference between waiting on God and waiting for marriage. The latter implies that marriage will indeed happen -- but how can we know? We don't. But the former implies waiting for whatever God reveals to be His will for our lives. Waiting and praying for marriage can be a part of waiting on God, but with the expectation that God will do as He pleases.

How long, Lord, must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust Me.

Sorry this post was kind of all over the place. There's so much I want to share from this book, so much of how it's punching me in the gut and warming my heart all at the same time, but I didn't know where to start. Hopefully I'll get around to journaling some more about this book!

leather journals & the hope for romance

I stopped writing letters to my future husband. For this specific purpose, I had bought a beautiful leather journal with hand-torn pages, a leather string delicately wrapped around it. Now it will probably just be a songwriting journal I suppose.

I used to be an advocate for writing to your future husband. I thought it would help a woman keep herself pure for her husband, reminding herself that whether she is single or in a relationship, her future husband is a real person, somewhere out there in the world, even if she can't see him, (if not the man she is with now), and out of love, she could remain faithful to him "all the days of her life" (Proverbs 31:12).

A reminder that, on the chance that the man she is with now doesn't become her husband, becoming too physically involved with him could harm her relationship with the man who would be her husband. A reminder that, if pornography or masturbation were a struggle for her, every time she engages in it affects the purity of the relationship she may have with her future husband. A reminder that, in her singleness, the man who may one day read her letters is worth the wait. A reminder to pray for him, wait for him and surrender her hope for him to God.

I've been writing letters since my 13th birthday, but only from time to time. To be completely honest, I don't know if it has helped me or harmed me. I believe I started doing it because I thought it was romantic, nothing else.

And it may work for some women. But for me, for whom romance has become an obsession in my life (see my previous post), it only further centers my life around this hope for a man someday. Staring at this journal in which I still had many pages to fill, it became this obligation on my part to have to think of him, have to write to him, have to pray for him, have to wait for him, have to keep my eyes out for him.

But what if I'm one of the few God does not have a husband for? While getting married is a strong desire of mine, I want to get to a point where if God wanted me to be single all my life, I would not just be okay. I would be thriving. Not settling for the scraps of what God has happened to give me, but fully embracing the blessed life He has chosen for me. Romance can't be the focus of my life.

So this girl is taking steps to get to that point. And that means letting go of this romantic ideal of writing letters to my future husband. If a special moment comes and I feel compelled to write a letter here and there, then sure, I will. But not in this journal with pages waiting to be written on, calling me to think of romance once again. Let it be spontaneous, let it be at a God-given moment, and let it be in His time -- it's always more romantic that way anyway!

 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

(Song of Solomon 8:4)

seeking wholeness (uncovering roots of a porn addiction)

I want to start posting more on the lessons I have learned from my struggle with pornography and the grace God has shown me throughout. These posts may be about anything concerning porn addiction, including its roots, effects and truths.

A lot of us as kids grow up longing for romance. We're fed these romantic notions in fairy tale stories and cartoons, progressing into chick flicks, romance novels and love songs as we get older. For some people, there is nothing wrong or tempting about engaging in these things. But for some (especially people like me with obsessive or addictive tendencies), these activities can become fuel to the fire of something much bigger and deeper.


A bit of my story

One of my first memories of this tendency was from when I was 5 years old, fascinated with this one animated show just because there was a male and female character in it that seemed romantically inclined, and I became obsessed with the pairing. I liked the romance, no matter how little it was. It was suspenseful, exciting and more interesting than what was going on in my life as a first grader.

It was something as innocent as that fictional romance that allowed me to make room for Satan to play around with this tendency in my life. From then on, everything I did was centered around romance. My interests, my talents, the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I behaved -- heck, the way my handwriting looked! Every move I made was done with the awareness of what a boy would think of me.

I gave Satan a foothold, allowing him to take a simple longing and interest in romance and turn it into a stronghold in my life that has consumed my every thought and action. I didn't deal with it at the time the habits of an adult are formed as a child. As a result, romance and the hopes for it are something I involuntarily breathe day in and day out.


When romance becomes a god

You know, there's really nothing wrong in wanting romance. After all, we were created sexual beings, longing for intimacy, love and acceptance. But man and woman were never meant to become each others' gods. They were not meant to complete each other outside of God but to help each other find wholeness in God.

Man has become my god. It's something I started believing when I was 5 years old. I saw something in the movies and novels that I wanted, something I thought was real -- a man who could know a woman through and through and love her and accept her for all of who she is. I believed that ultimate affirmation, acceptance, comfort, security and love were something I could only find in a man. I gave up finding these things in God alone because I believed He would someday give them to me through a man.

Man has become my god. I believe fulfillment is in a man. My life revolves around finding a man and getting married because I believe that what I'm searching for, what I'm longing for, will finally be satisfied in him.


To be whole

But here's the problem: Men are broken in the same way women are.

Many divorces are the result of either husband or wife going into the marriage with unrealistic expectations of the other person -- the mindset that the other person can complete them and satisfy them in a way they don't realize only God can.

My pride is talking when I tell God, "You're holding out on me. I'm still looking for something, and I haven't found it yet. Surely a man has it." It is this same mentality that keeps me going back to porn. I'm just looking around. I know there's something here that will satisfy me -- I just haven't found it yet.

And when will I ever find it?

Wholeness is but a promise I am waiting to see redeemed. Man can promise it, but again and again his promises have failed.

God has made this promise of wholeness, redemption and full satisfaction in Him (Philippians 3:20-21, Ephesians 4:13, John 10:10). I don't believe I will be whole until I am forever united with my Lord, my Savior, my Creator, my God. The Holy Spirit promises me this (2 Corinthians 1:20-22).

Do I have evidence of this? Except for my life in the process of healing? No. Everything about God is about faith. But I would rather trust in His promise of wholeness based on what He has proven to me thus far than continue to bank on finding wholeness in a man who is here one day and gone tomorrow (Psalm 144:4).

Don't get me wrong, I really like men. I still pray I'll be married someday. But I can't go on with this romantic stronghold in my life, living and breathing for romance, putting man on a pedestal and hoping he will complete me. There is no man who could ever know me through and through and love and accept me for all of who I am. No man or woman can do that all the time for anyone. It's unhealthy for me to have these expectations of him, and if I continue to do so, I will only end up hurt and disappointed.

Because I am covered in Christ's death and resurrection, only God can know me through and through, love me and accept me for all of who I am. Only in Him am I fully known. When we learn to believe this truth and approach love and romance with this mindset, we allow God to be the center of a pure, healthy, God-fearing relationship and marriage -- one in which both man and woman love and respect each other and help each other draw nearer to the only God who can truly make them whole.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

sexual addiction: to be made well

As most of you know, I post a lot of links and articles by Beggar's Daughter, an online resource for women addicted to pornography and lust. Jessica, the woman behind the ministry, has been such an encouragement to me as we have had a couple correspondences over e-mail and her blogs have spoken a lot of truth into my life. At the beginning of the summer, she asked me to write a guest blog post for the Beggar's Daughter blog. I just sent it to her for editing and we'll see what she ends up posting on her blog. But here's the unedited version for now until it's posted on her site!

To Be Made Well 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been obsessed with romance -- from clean Christian romance novels to innocent daydreaming. These things allowed me to escape reality for a little while, and they made me feel like I understood this whole romance thing that everybody else seemed to have in their lives. I had begun pursuing a relationship with Christ when I was very young, but I had also allowed Satan to take hold of this romance stronghold in my life when I was but 11 years old. 

When I was in sixth grade, I was passed down an old TV to put in my room. What started as innocently flipping through channels turned into a full-blown sex addiction when I stumbled across my first R-rated sex scene. I justified it by saying I was just educating myself. But something was released inside of me that got me hooked on this beautiful thing called sex. This later developed into a hardcore porn addiction on the Internet. 

I was 13 when I first gave up this addiction and told my parents about it. For a few years, I was “clean.” But when I was 16, I found pornography again. Despite any Internet filters my parents set up, I found ways around them to satisfy my sexual desires. Over the years, I became numb again, not caring what God had to say about it, indifferent to my sin, and continually having to “up” the dose. Each time I was done having my “fill,” I would break down crying, asking God to forgive me over and over again. 

I began to doubt my salvation and God’s love for me, believing there was no way He could look past this and love me the way He did before this addiction -- I was too dirty for Him. I eventually assumed the mentality that this was something I was going to be addicted to my whole life, and there was no point in trying to get rid of it. 

When I went to college, the frequency of my sin got even worse. I remember one time I acted out and felt so guilty and dirty that I jumped into the shower, crying, scrubbing my skin red with soap, trying to get rid of the filth I knew I couldn’t clean up myself. 

God is faithful. He surrounded me with believing friends and roommates who kept me accountable, at one point fasting with me for 24 hours every time I slipped up. My last summer of college, I finally began to understand His grace and love for me, despite my dirtiness. I realized He had not abandoned me to fight this alone. My pile of crap was not standing between me and God. Rather, He was at my side, shovels in both our hands, looking at this pile of crap in front of both of us and saying to me, “We’re going to clean this up, together.” 

My senior year of college, I shared a room with another girl who, in fact, shared the same struggles. We decided to do this study called “Into the Light,” put together by The Navigators, which full-on addressed sexual addiction. We did this study with four other girls in our campus ministry whom we knew also struggled with sexual addiction, whether it be pornography, masturbation or actual sexual intercourse. It was God and Him alone who connected this group of women, who helped us be broken before each other, who helped us take the first steps in finding freedom, and who helped us encourage each other and speak truth into each others’ lives. It is such a beautiful thing when women step into the light and find freedom together! 

Over the past 10 years of struggling with sexual addiction, I have seen what works and what doesn’t work. One of the things that doesn’t work is doing it alone. Fellowship is so important. My last year of college, simply living day to day with another girl who also struggled encouraged me so much. We talked about our sexual struggles on a regular basis, in a completely open, honest, and God-glorifying manner. 

Talking about sex in the light makes it harder to do in the dark. 

Deciding to truly find accountability is also a big step in finding freedom. It’s not the only way to do it, but Covenant Eyes has been one of the biggest factors in my path to freedom. I recommend checking it out. 

Sexual temptation is something I’m probably going to struggle with all my life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t walk in freedom. Jesus has come to me and asked, “Do you want to get well?” (John 5:1-15). And after much consideration -- because saying yes to the Lord means being ready for some painfully radical transformation! -- I’ve said, “Yes, Lord, I want to be well.”

One last note: Almost a year ago, God spoke these words to me. I pray they speak to you, too.  

"There will always be a world of pornography for you to explore, always a mixture of different keyword searches you could enter that will turn up new and exciting results, always 'related videos' that will lead you further into this world of sin. It's never going to be enough for you. 

"Be convinced of this, Karla -- that desire is not going to leave you for a long time. Maybe it never will while you are still in this world. You might think you've figured it out and gotten rid of it, but you're only thinking you've simply had your 'fill' for the time being, and you anticipate that you will have to satisfy the desire again later down the road. In this case, the time being was your four months of 'freedom.' This week, it was six days.  

"Child, at some point, you're just going to have to decide to put away with it and fight that desire, whether you have had your fill or not. At some point, you're going to have to acknowledge you have absolutely no control over this and surrender it to Me. Stop trying to fix yourself, and let Me do it.  

"But let me tell you something: you're going to have to stop opening doors. You may not have control over what you desire right now, but you have control over what you do with those desires. I have promised you I will always provide a way out when you are tempted. Take the way out. Close the door. Let's do this together, by My strength. 

"When I look at you, Karla, I don't see your sin. I see a pure and blameless child. You are free from accusation, and you are covered by My grace. But I can see the life that you are living, and it is a life under the bondage of pornography. It may not be as frequent as before, but that is only because you are suppressing it and refusing to get to the core of the issue.  

"You are still allowing your desire for control, your desire for love, your desire for sexual pleasure to consume you, and though you are free from the eternal consequences of your sin, you are not free from its effects on your heart, on your soul, on your mind, on your relationships, on your view of yourself before Me, and on your view of Me.  

"I want freedom for you. I gave Jesus for you so you could not only be free of sin's eternal consequences in separating you from Me, but to be free of sin itself because it is not of Me, and I am good. I made you for Me.  

"So make the decision today to fight your sinful nature -- specifically your desire for pornography -- and walk by My Spirit instead. And I promise I will be with you. Because you love Me, I will fight for you. Take heart, my child, I have overcome the world."

porn relapse

"Freedom is living in victory while being aware that your enemy does not accept his defeat."

(Jessica Harris, "The Final Stage: The Alert Soldier")

Being raw here, I had it set in my mind that I was completely done with sexual sin. Eight months free can build a certain pride in you that makes you think you're above ever having a "relapse" in an addiction. 

Days in a row, and I found myself growing emptier and emptier as I filled up on my best friend, porn. I assumed old mentalities: I'm just checking something real quick... There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing... Okay, I've screwed up, might as well get it all in now... God knows this is a life-long process, He doesn't care... It won't be too difficult to admit this to my accountability partner tomorrow... I'm sorry God, just hold on a minute... I DON'T CARE.

After 10 years of this cycle of addiction and healing, I have found another thing to add to my list of sex problems to figure out: Indifference to sexual sin. Why? I don't know. I'm not going to figure all that out on this blog post. 

What I want to say is that God is a God of grace. 

I will not...

1) tell myself again that is just something I'm going to struggle with the rest of my life, no need to take care of it now.

2) give myself permission to fall. 

3) hold back anything from accountability; I will make sure Covenant Eyes is on both my laptop and my iPhone.

4) deliberately put myself in the way of temptation.

5) be discouraged.

I will...

1) remember that there will always be a world of porn to explore, there will always be more, but it will never leave me satisfied.

2) admit that looking at porn is exciting and fun, BUT it is merely "anticipating something that is not real, bonded to something that does not exist." There is no point.

3) make a decision to no longer justify sexual sin but to fight to the best of my ability (the strength and will God has given me) to resist the devil and his strongholds in my life.

4) be encouraged that God is standing beside me, shovels in both our hands, as we stare at this pile of crap in my life that we're both going to get rid of together. I have not been abandoned.

5) focus less on not sinning and more on loving God.

6) say yes when the Lord asks, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:1-15)


Because daring to say yes to the Lord when He asks if we want to be made well means being ready for some painfully radical transformation!

visiting an old church

This morning I saw God take what I thought would be an awkward, painful situation to instead bless me.

When I first moved to Colorado, my family started attending a church (let's call it Church A), where we stayed for four years until I graduated high school. It was the first church where I was actively involved in the youth group and in leadership. It was the first time I had a group of believing friends. It was the first time I had a best friend and close friends of the same faith. It was the first time I had real guy friends. It was the first time I had middle schoolers looking up to me and thinking I was cool. And it was the first time I felt like people actually liked me and thought I was fun to be around.

I was enthralled by this new social life, by this new source of identity. Unfortunately, along came high school drama, gossip and rumors, due to my own immaturity and that of others, both young and old. With everything going on in Church A, I was very hurt and bitter. My family and I finally left that church and moved on.

Now that I have finished college, I have moved back to my home in Colorado Springs. Looking for a new church home, I attended a church this morning (let's call it Church B) which I hadn't been to before but I had had several friends recommend checking it out.

I was shocked to find that, because it doesn't have it's own building yet, Church B actually meets at the same church I used to go to in high school, Church A, but in a different part of their building.

As I drove along a road I hadn't taken in over three years, parked in this familiar parking lot, and walked into this church building that held most of my high school memories, my heart suddenly felt so heavy. I felt a range of emotions, from anger to happiness to anxiety to remorse.

It was a very different service for Church B because today was the last Sunday it would gather at Church A's building. They were moving. Instead of a regular sermon, we instead broke into teams and served around the church building, cleaning and writing thank-you notes in order to show our appreciation for Church A in letting us use their building for two years.

My first thought when I heard this plan was, I'm not a member of Church B. This is my first time here. I don't need to thank Church A because they have done nothing for me. This is awkward and I don't want to be here anymore.

My second thought was, This is an answer to prayer.

As I stared at the walls of this church, it was slowly revealed to me that I had made Church A and its people an idol. Church A had become my home, it had become my identity, and it had become my god. When its people made mistakes and failed to meet my expectations -- as all churches, ministries, organizations and human beings do -- I took it personally, saw things through the narrow lens of a dramatic high school girl, and I ran away.

I realized these things as I walked through this church building, a visitor of another church body. It had never occurred to me before that maybe Church A hadn't wronged me. If it had, I can't deny that I was at fault too. I had sinned against the Church, tearing her down with my words and with my thoughts. And I had sinned against God, for making this group of people and my place among them an idol before Him.

This morning I found myself an old friend to Church A, cleaning its toilets and wiping down its windows. I wasn't serving Church A for the reasons Church B was serving them; I was serving them for the four years they took me in as a young naive girl. I was serving them to say, "You are not my enemy; I'm sorry for making it up in my mind that you were."

For years I had been wanting to visit this church again, to walk through its halls and rooms and remember some good times -- but I wanted to find a way to do this without necessarily attending the church service. God answered that prayer for me today in a way I never thought He would. He also answered a prayer I didn't know had been on my heart -- to finally be at peace in my heart with this Church.