on passion and purity: waiting

I have read a lot of books about purity, dating and men over the past 11 years -- including but certainly not limited to When God Writes Your Love Story, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Lady in Waiting, The Truth About Guys, Every Young Woman's Battle, Let's Talk! and For Young Women Only. But none of these books have so beautifully addressed this concept of love and relationships as Elisabeth Elliot has in Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control. 

I don't know why, but I always put off reading this book when I was younger because it didn't look as colorful and "teen-friendly" as the other more modern books did. But this book, written in 1984 --supported by the author's own memories, journals and old love letters between her and her first (late) husband Jim Elliot -- is the only one I remember that has forced the reader to take a long, hard look at romance and say, "This will not fulfill me; this is not something I have to spend my life waiting for in order to truly live."

A slip of paper handed to me at a seminar had this question written on it: "What do you do when you feel you've come to a point that your singlehood appears to be an inadequate status for deep personal growth? How long do you hang on?"

Good thing I wasn't on the platform when that question came. I might have chuckled. I toyed with the idea of giving the facetious answer: "Three more days, then go out and either ask somebody to marry you or hang yourself."

But of course that was not what I said. The crux of the matter is that phrase "an inadequate status for deep personal growth." Is that what singleness is? Does that mean marriage and only marriage is an adequate status for deep personal growth? How ever did Jesus manage, then, as a single man?

I'm afraid the snake has been talking to that person. He's been sneaking up and whispering, "God is stingy. He dangles that beautiful fruit called marriage before your eyes and won't let you have it. He refuses you the only thing you need for deep personal growth, the one thing in all the world that would solve all your problems and make you really happy." (Passion and Purity, Ch. 6)

Elisabeth simply shares her life with the reader, pulling out her own experiences and drawing from them quiet but convicting truths of how we should be offering up our love lives to God. Nowhere in this book (well, the first half that I've read so far) does Elisabeth feed the reader some expectation that marriage is something He will give us. In Chapter 11, Jim shared Matthew 19:12 with Elisabeth and told her that God may be calling him to singleness -- and that, at least for that time, he was able to accept it. Likewise, Elisabeth shared Isaiah 54:5 and 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 with him, saying that singleness was something she was also considering.

No Christian ought to put himself outside the possibility that this [a life of singleness] is his assignment. The claims must be considered. Jim and I were startled to find how closely in this, as in other matters, our thoughts seemed to coincide... We decided the best thing to do was pray steadily and wait patiently till God made the way plain.

As most people know, they ended up getting married. But at the time, Jim and Elisabeth did not demand this of God. They sought the Lord full-heartedly, not even allowing their physical desires for the other to overcome them. And they were certainly there!

"I'm hungry for you, Bett," he had said. He was not one to beat around the bush. "We're alike in our desire for God. I'm glad for that. But we're different, too. I've got the body of a man, and you've got the body of a woman, and frankly, I want you. But you're not mine."

Not his. God's. That much was clear. But what was God going to do about all this? Was He interested in the plight of two college kids?... God made [the stars.] He knows their names, knows exactly where they belong. Can He keep track of us?

Each of their hearts were so committed to God that they knew marriage would not solve every problem they ever had. They knew each other could not fill the other up. They did not make each other his or her own god. 

So many books I've read have put me in this mentality of waiting. And maybe I'm the one who misunderstood and took this concept and ran with it in the wrong direction, but I've lived my life so far in this state of waiting for a man. Waiting for a relationship. Waiting for marriage. Waiting to be complete. Up until about a year ago, Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones was my favorite Christian dating book. There really are some good points in that book. But this book is all about "becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right." Waiting.

The first time I started challenging this concept of waiting was during a conversation I had with some of my roommates. I don't remember what it was about. All I know is that at one point I mentioned how we were in this stage of waiting for our future husbands, and one of my roommates replied, "We're not waiting." She said it firmly, and at the time I took it as defensiveness. But I'm starting to see that the Holy Spirit was using her to rebuke me for having this mentality that all my life before I get married is a waste. Before I get married, I'm just getting by, barely living, simply waiting to be rescued from singleness.

That is not the life Christ died for. I want to be thriving. Living.

There is a difference between waiting on God and waiting for marriage. The latter implies that marriage will indeed happen -- but how can we know? We don't. But the former implies waiting for whatever God reveals to be His will for our lives. Waiting and praying for marriage can be a part of waiting on God, but with the expectation that God will do as He pleases.

How long, Lord, must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust Me.

Sorry this post was kind of all over the place. There's so much I want to share from this book, so much of how it's punching me in the gut and warming my heart all at the same time, but I didn't know where to start. Hopefully I'll get around to journaling some more about this book!