freedom from porn, step 435836732857: "the romance cleanse"

I can literally feel myself running dry.
     I can feel myself slowing down,
                                             no energy,
                                                no patience,
                                                   no self-control.

I have been constantly slipping up in my desire for romance and sex, and my time with God has been short, unfruitful and unsatisfying. I am filling up on things that are not of God, and the things that are of Him are steadily draining from me.

This is the point where I know I can't keep going on this way. I've reached a fork in the road where it's either completely indulge in sinful desires, or wholly cleanse myself of these things.

I am convinced that the greatest thing to have in this life is God -- He is the best thing for me. 

Do my actions show this?
              Porn does not satisfy.
              Romance novels do not satisfy.
              Chick flicks do not satisfy.
In fact, they only leave me frustrated, insecure, guilty and yet longing for more.
It's practical masochism.

I have to choose Him, I want to choose Him, I need to choose Him.

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I am going on a "romance cleanse." For four weeks, starting tomorrow morning. I want to see how God can use a month of no romance to change my heart and thought patterns. A huge reason I am doing this is because I lack self-control in not looking at porn, and it doesn't help when I tempt myself with romance-centered activities that trigger my desires. So in addition to the endless striving to not look at porn or daydream, this "romance cleanse" means no romance novels (Christian or not), no chick flicks, no listening to love songs and no writing love songs.

I've been putting this off for far too long, trying to do as much as I can before starting this cleanse, trying to get my "fill" before going on withdrawal.

But as every addict knows, there is never a limit to our fills. 

We always want more, and until we change that mindset and say No, this ends now, we will never start the healing process.

Ladies, hold me accountable to this. And if you would like to join me, let me know and we can keep each other accountable, pray for one another, and brainstorm ideas for substitute activities.

What I mean by that last one is that part of changing thought patterns is to train yourself to redirect your thoughts to something else when a negative thought comes to mind. For example, when consuming romantic thoughts come to mind, I redirect that thought and start thanking God for stuff instead. In the same way, giving up certain activities is no good unless we replace them with new, wholesome activities.

So for example, I'm going to start:
     reading The Hobbit,
       jogging in the mornings,
          going to sleep early instead of staying up late on my computer and tempting myself,
             waking up earlier to spend more time with God, and
                 listening to God-centered music that reminds me of where my heart and mind should be.

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I was originally going to call this post, "Freedom from porn, remedy 435836732857..." but decided that  that was the wrong mindset. That implies the mentality of, "This is just one more remedy to add to my pile of failed remedies. Let's try something new, though this probably won't work and I'll have to try something else again."

Instead, I call this one of a million steps I have taken to be free of porn. Steps imply progress toward something better, and taking a new step doesn't mean the one before failed. In fact, it means the one before made some impact -- whether great or small -- that led to the next step.

Healing takes a long time, and God continues to heal me in deeper ways each time I surrender this to Him, learn something new about this addiction, and take new steps toward freedom.

burdens, silence and commodities

I'm going through a testing time in a relationship I have, and instead of giving details on the conflict itself, I want to share what God is teaching me through it.

1. Some burdens we must carry alone. We must not be so impulsive in "venting" to others.

"[We are often encouraged] to make others feel our pain as vividly as possible, to 'make much of anything appointed.' There is weakness and the encouragement of weakness in this tendency. It is one thing to feel another's pain. We are to bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill Christ's law. He bore all our griefs, infirmities, and sorrows. But we are also told to bear our own burdens. This must mean to shoulder them bravely, to think twice before laying them onto the shoulders of others who may be more heavily laden than we are." (Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity)

"If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it 'hard,' if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love." (Amy Carmichael, If)

2. Be silent, and wait upon the Lord.

"When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise." (King Solomon, Proverbs 10:19)

"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness [which Moses experienced before being used by God to deliver the Israelites from Pharaoh's oppressive rule], as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say, 'Oh, who am I?' We have to learn the first great stride of God: 'I AM WHO I AM has sent me.'" (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

3. Don't treat relationships like a commodity. We can't give up on a relationship just because we aren't receiving from the person as much as we are giving them.

"Our lives are meant to be spent... We spend ourselves on others because Christ spent His life for us... We spend ourselves for others because Christ spent His life for them... How dare we treat people like a commodity? When you commodify someone, you assess the cost versus value -- am I getting out as much as I am putting in?... How dare we decide whether someone is worth it or not, someone whom Christ has spent His life for?"(Glenn Packiam, sermon this morning at New Life Downtown [paraphrased])

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." (Jesus, Acts 20:35)

trusted with silence: our pain for his glory

Thursday morning I read about the death and resurrection of Lazarus in John 11:1-43, prompted by the daily reading in Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest.

I never really noticed how Jesus waited to see Lazarus upon hearing he was sick. Lazarus' sisters Mary and Martha sent for Him, but He did not come right away. Chambers points out that in a way, Mary and Martha were praying to Jesus, asking Him to come and heal their brother, asking Him to be present with them, asking for His comfort.

But instead, Jesus chose to be quiet, chose to have them wait in silence and watch their brother die. And when Jesus finally goes to see them, I can't imagine how upset and confused Mary and Martha must have been, expressing these emotions by telling Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died."

Because how hard that must have been for them! This is a family Jesus loved. Mary had spent her perfume on Jesus' feet, and He can't even come heal her brother, a man Jesus deeply loved.

It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. Verses 34-35 says He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled, and that He wept. But to Mary and Martha, seeing this Savior grieving over their brother's death yet having had every power to save him had He wanted to... it must have made no sense.

But it was for the glory of God that Jesus chose not to be there when Lazarus was sick, that Lazarus had to die - so Jesus could raise him up.

Sometimes God chooses to trust us with His silence, and then He uses our pain to bring Him glory. It doesn't mean He doesn't care or He doesn't love us. Despite not coming when they had asked, Jesus wept when He did come in His own timing. He deeply cared and loved them. But our lives are all for His glory, even when the circumstances and the timing of them make no sense to us at the time.

And certainly, our lives display beauty amidst pain when God gets the glory!

I wrote this with a dear friend in mind who lost her dad last week - may you always remember God's glory seen through your dad's life, and through his death. Love ya. <3

beauty and favor

The times I am most motivated to look my best are when I feel I have been rejected in some way. Today I had an argument with someone who didn't want to spend time with me when I so badly wanted it. When I was turned down, I instantly thought, "I must look really ugly right now." I began to feel so insecure and self-conscious and started having thoughts like "I really need to lose weight" and "I should probably straighten my hair tomorrow morning."

I have long associated beauty with favor. If I am not beautiful, I will not have your favor. If I look ugly, you will not accept me. Patterns of situations in my childhood -- as I'm sure most people have -- have trained these thoughts and correlations. If you reject me, it's because I am unattractive. If I feel unattractive today, I believe you will reject me.

With every rejection comes the further instilling of insecurity in me. I have basically come to the point that I believe I am so ugly that I will never find a man who sees me as beautiful.

This is reflective of my relationship with God, from Father to daughter. I believe I only have His favor if I look physically beautiful, if I look like a princess, like one of His daughters. I look at other girls and believe this of them -- they are beautiful, they look like little princesses, like daughters of the King.

But I look at myself during my times alone with Him each morning, knowing that in all my fresh-out-of-bed glory, I must look repulsive to Him, unfitting as the King's daughter. It is in these moments that I feel I am outside His favor. But the mornings that I spend time with Him after fixing myself up -- then I am perhaps beautiful enough to be His daughter. Then I have His favor.

These are lies.

This correlation of beauty and favor comes from the father of lies, Satan -- rightly named "the accuser."

He doesn't want to spend time with you because you are ugly. 
She doesn't want to be your friend because you are repulsive. 
He won't take you as His daughter because you aren't as beautiful as the other girls.

All lies.

Believe TRUTH.

...There is no truth in [the devil]. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the Good Shepherd." (John 10:10-11)

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. (Psalm 45:11)

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 62:5) 

...With both feet planted firmly on love... take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19 MSG)

porn for the brain, food for the stomach

This is not an attractive thing to admit, but I've been thinking about the similarities in my impulses to look at porn, and my impulses to eat excessively. They are similar in that when I get the urge to do either activity, I must quickly push it out of my mind lest I think on it long enough, picture myself doing it, imagine the resulting gratification -- and then do so.

Both urges come most often when I am bored. Both urges start with my thoughts. At the time, I know I should not, I know it will not be good for me, and I know I will regret it later. But in giving in -- in either sin -- it feels good, it satisfies for the shortest moment, and I am able to literally get my "fill."

Afterward, reality sets in. With porn, I feel further from God because constant images of sex are on the brain rather than Him. With food, I am full and steadily gaining weight; I know I am not glorifying God with my body.

...Their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.(Philippians 3:19)

 “Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. (1 Corinthians 6:12-13)

I shared this concept with my parents one morning, and my mom responded by reading this passage from Jerry Bridge's Holiness Day By Day.

"Self-control involves a wider range of watchfulness than merely control of bodily appetites and desires. We must also exercise self-control of thoughts, emotions, and speech. Self-control says yes to what we should do as well as no to what we shouldn't... "I beat my body and make it my slave" (1 Corinthians 9:27).

Self-control is necessary because we're at war with our own sinful desires. James described those desires as dragging us away and enticing us into sin (1:14). Peter said they war against our souls (1 Peter 2:11). Paul spoke of them as deceitful (Ephesians 4:22). What makes those sinful desires so dangerous is that they dwell within our own heart. External temptations wouldn't be nearly as dangerous if they did not find this ally of desire right within us.

These desires are within us, and they begin with our thoughts. It is at this point that we must exercise self-control, re-train our sinful thought habits toward new, godly thought patterns so that they eventually produce fruits of righteousness in our actions.

faint not: human trafficking

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 

 because the Lord has anointed me 

 to proclaim good news to the poor. 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

 to proclaim freedom for the captives 

 and release from darkness for the prisoners...

―Isaiah 61:1

Yobel Market hosted a screening of the documentary Nefarious: Merchant of Souls (watch the trailer) about a month ago, and the Human Trafficking Task Force of Southern Colorado hosted their 5th Annual Human Trafficking Awareness Symposium today on the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) campus, a collaboration of speakers from different organizations and departments such as the International Justice Mission (IJM), the FBI, Restore Innocence, Truckers Against Trafficking, Dream Centers, Transitions Global, and the Colorado Springs Police Department.

I attended both awareness events, and I want to share some facts, stats, quotes and takeaways.
Educate yourself.

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WHAT IS HUMAN TRAFFICKING?

Human trafficking is the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision or obtaining of a person for labor or services, involving force, fraud and/or coercion. The purpose of subjection is involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage or slavery.

Sex trafficking in specific is a commercial sex act induced by force, fraud or coercion, except in cases involving a minor, which are automatically a crime without those three factors.

Often we write off prostitutes because we believe they chose that lifestyle. The truth is, some do. But human trafficking happens when perpetrators exploit vulnerability. If you take advantage of a girl who is starving and in desperate need of money and you recruit her, you are trafficking her. Human trafficking is the exploitation of vulnerability.


THE FACTS

Human trafficking is the second largest criminal industry in the world. Why? You can resell people, something you can't do with drugs or really anything else.

Human trafficking is a $32 billion/year industry.

A child is trafficked every 30 seconds. ―UNICEF

There are more than 27 million slaves around the world today. ―National Georgraphic

In India alone, 1 million children are forced into prostitution. ―Indian CBI

The age of girls trafficked continues to decrease, the youngest now being 8 years old. Why? The AIDS epidemic. "The younger the girl, the safer it is."

Public justice systems, especially in developing countries, don't work for the poor. About 4.5 billion people live outside the reach of the rule of law. Victims run from the law, not to it.

Up to 96 percent of women in prostitution want to escape but feel they can't. ―United Labor Organization

Perpetrators are committed to their crimes -- and they are used to us not being nearly as committed to fighting them.


HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN THE UNITED STATES

Approximately 17,000 - 20,000 foreign nationals are trafficked into the United States each year.

The average age of girls trafficked in the United States is 11, according to the FBI.

Human trafficking in the United States can look like kids selling magazines on the streets, girls roaming the same streets at night, massage parlors, etc. Ask questions. Why is this kid selling magazines in Colorado, saying he needs to sell just one more to win a contest, but says he is from Ohio? Why is this girl here every night, alone, walking up and down the same street? Why does this massage parlor have an RV behind the building, side doors and bolts on the doors?

In Ohio, two teenage girls were kidnapped as they were walking to Wendy's to get Frosties. They were forced into a van, were physically and sexually abused, and were then forced into truck stop prostitution. This is a common thing, for girls to sell themselves at truck stops -- and for many truckers to do nothing about it. In fact, many write the girls off and call them "lot lizards." But these girls were rescued when one trucker made an anonymous call to local authorities saying that young girls were soliciting at the truth stop and that he sensed something wrong. His call led to the girls' rescue and opened up a case that lead the authorities to catch 31 offenders, rescue 7 minors, and shut down a 13 state prostitution ring! Watch the video on this story.


HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN COLORADO

Recently, 40 massage parlors in Colorado Springs were busted for prostitution and human trafficking.

One older couple at the symposium today shared their regrets over having most likely helped along the process of trafficking a girl by mistake when they helped a frightened 18-year-old board a train. They explained that the girl didn't speak much English, said she was from Guatemala, had five siblings, and said she was about to meet her cousin who said he would take her to Tibet.

Most people today were shocked to hear that even the mountain towns in Colorado such as Cripple Creek (which I visited just last week to see the autumn colors) are destinations of sex trafficking because of the casinos.

Human trafficking stats in Denver for 2011: 52 investigations, 52 victims rescued. This year, one bust alone had 25 arrests.


INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE MISSION

IJM has four goals: victim rescue, victim aftercare, perpetrator accountability (by each country's own laws), and  structural transformation within the community. IJM's a really cool organization -- you really need to check them out if you haven't already.

At the symposium today IJM Vice President, Jim Martin, spoke on what IJM is doing in the fight against human trafficking. He shared some examples, focusing mainly on their work in the Philippines. One case he shared was how their IJM office in Cebu worked with Filipino police to rescue a girl named Charlyn in 2010. They went undercover with hidden cameras, disguising themselves as clients, paying to have sex with a girl but not doing so. Instead, once they were alone with the girl, they built trust with her and asked questions. Fighting the urge to rescue her right at that moment (the situation's a lot more complicated than that), they took that information back to the office, built the case, and then went back and raided the bar. They rescued Charlyn and brought the perpetrator to justice, sentencing him to 20 years in prison. Working with the Filipino police to ensure enforcement of the law, sentences like that send a shockwave throughout the community, telling perpetrators, You can't do this anymore.

Last year, IJM rescued 2,300 trafficking victims worldwide.

In the Philippines, IJM helped train Filipino police to form the Regional Anti-Trafficking Police Unit. Already this police unit is able to function on its own without IJM, having recently effected a rescue successfully.

The public justice system is made of four key components: police, prosecutors, judges and social workers. Each need to function well to bring about justice. However, especially in developing countries, what happens is that there is a disconnect between all four components. Police are corrupt, prosecutors are under-resourced, judges are unaccountable, and social workers are overworked. As a result, only more injustice happens.

I honestly can't remember if he was talking about the Philippines police system, the police system in developing countries, or the police system worldwide when he said this, but it's worth repeating nonetheless: "Fifteen percent of the police system is corrupt, 15 percent is sincerely good, and the other 70 percent is just waiting to see who will win."


ADDITIONAL FACTS & QUOTES FROM NEFARIOUS: MERCHANT OF SOULS

Amsterdam is well known for displaying their girls in windows, as you would sell any other "merchandise." One of the interviewees in the documentary was the store owner of one of these such prostitution shops: "You just order a girl... like you order a pizza... We have girls from 27 countries." Most were from Eastern Europe.

"Prostitution is about men masturbating in women's bodies."

"Human trafficking is simply an exploitation of vulnerability."

Ten percent of the population of Moldova, an eastern European country, is trafficked.

NOW WHAT?

Don't forget there is hope.

We have everything we need to solve this problem.

How are we already negatively involved? We are the ones demanding cheap goods that are often the products of human trafficking. Check out SlaveryFootprint.org to find out how many slaves work for you. How can we fix our involvement in that? Buy responsibly. Check out fair-trade boutiques such as Yobel Market, Sseko Designs and Ten Thousand Villages. Take the time to do research on the companies you are buying products from. Even go so far as to boycott them -- but make sure you also tell them why you are boycotting their products. (Making responsible purchases is one particular action step I want to start working on.)

Takeaway: educate and collaborate. There are many organizations working to fight human trafficking, from advocacy to rescuing victims to providing victim aftercare. I've included links to several in this post -- start doing some research and get involved! You can do so much, including buying responsibly, volunteering at a victims' safe house (check out Restore Innocence's Cinderella House), joining a Human Trafficking Task Force in your community, telling your friends and family, hosting a showing of the Nefarious: Merchant of Souls documentary, joining Live58's Global Impact Tour, fundraising, helping fund projects, praying, fasting... so much you can do!

And now that you know, you are responsible. Faint not.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” ―William Wilberforce