beauty and favor

The times I am most motivated to look my best are when I feel I have been rejected in some way. Today I had an argument with someone who didn't want to spend time with me when I so badly wanted it. When I was turned down, I instantly thought, "I must look really ugly right now." I began to feel so insecure and self-conscious and started having thoughts like "I really need to lose weight" and "I should probably straighten my hair tomorrow morning."

I have long associated beauty with favor. If I am not beautiful, I will not have your favor. If I look ugly, you will not accept me. Patterns of situations in my childhood -- as I'm sure most people have -- have trained these thoughts and correlations. If you reject me, it's because I am unattractive. If I feel unattractive today, I believe you will reject me.

With every rejection comes the further instilling of insecurity in me. I have basically come to the point that I believe I am so ugly that I will never find a man who sees me as beautiful.

This is reflective of my relationship with God, from Father to daughter. I believe I only have His favor if I look physically beautiful, if I look like a princess, like one of His daughters. I look at other girls and believe this of them -- they are beautiful, they look like little princesses, like daughters of the King.

But I look at myself during my times alone with Him each morning, knowing that in all my fresh-out-of-bed glory, I must look repulsive to Him, unfitting as the King's daughter. It is in these moments that I feel I am outside His favor. But the mornings that I spend time with Him after fixing myself up -- then I am perhaps beautiful enough to be His daughter. Then I have His favor.

These are lies.

This correlation of beauty and favor comes from the father of lies, Satan -- rightly named "the accuser."

He doesn't want to spend time with you because you are ugly. 
She doesn't want to be your friend because you are repulsive. 
He won't take you as His daughter because you aren't as beautiful as the other girls.

All lies.

Believe TRUTH.

...There is no truth in [the devil]. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the Good Shepherd." (John 10:10-11)

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. (Psalm 45:11)

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 62:5) 

...With both feet planted firmly on love... take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19 MSG)