I can feel myself slowing down,
no energy,
no patience,
no self-control.
I have been constantly slipping up in my desire for romance and sex, and my time with God has been short, unfruitful and unsatisfying. I am filling up on things that are not of God, and the things that are of Him are steadily draining from me.
This is the point where I know I can't keep going on this way. I've reached a fork in the road where it's either completely indulge in sinful desires, or wholly cleanse myself of these things.
I am convinced that the greatest thing to have in this life is God -- He is the best thing for me.
Do my actions show this?
Porn does not satisfy.
Romance novels do not satisfy.
Chick flicks do not satisfy.
In fact, they only leave me frustrated, insecure, guilty and yet longing for more.
It's practical masochism.
I have to choose Him, I want to choose Him, I need to choose Him.
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I am going on a "romance cleanse." For four weeks, starting tomorrow morning. I want to see how God can use a month of no romance to change my heart and thought patterns. A huge reason I am doing this is because I lack self-control in not looking at porn, and it doesn't help when I tempt myself with romance-centered activities that trigger my desires. So in addition to the endless striving to not look at porn or daydream, this "romance cleanse" means no romance novels (Christian or not), no chick flicks, no listening to love songs and no writing love songs.
I've been putting this off for far too long, trying to do as much as I can before starting this cleanse, trying to get my "fill" before going on withdrawal.
But as every addict knows, there is never a limit to our fills.
We always want more, and until we change that mindset and say No, this ends now, we will never start the healing process.
Ladies, hold me accountable to this. And if you would like to join me, let me know and we can keep each other accountable, pray for one another, and brainstorm ideas for substitute activities.
What I mean by that last one is that part of changing thought patterns is to train yourself to redirect your thoughts to something else when a negative thought comes to mind. For example, when consuming romantic thoughts come to mind, I redirect that thought and start thanking God for stuff instead. In the same way, giving up certain activities is no good unless we replace them with new, wholesome activities.
So for example, I'm going to start:
reading The Hobbit,
jogging in the mornings,
going to sleep early instead of staying up late on my computer and tempting myself,
waking up earlier to spend more time with God, and
listening to God-centered music that reminds me of where my heart and mind should be.
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I was originally going to call this post, "Freedom from porn, remedy 435836732857..." but decided that that was the wrong mindset. That implies the mentality of, "This is just one more remedy to add to my pile of failed remedies. Let's try something new, though this probably won't work and I'll have to try something else again."Instead, I call this one of a million steps I have taken to be free of porn. Steps imply progress toward something better, and taking a new step doesn't mean the one before failed. In fact, it means the one before made some impact -- whether great or small -- that led to the next step.
Healing takes a long time, and God continues to heal me in deeper ways each time I surrender this to Him, learn something new about this addiction, and take new steps toward freedom.
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