hungry every morning

I'll admit, I've been avoiding this blog, avoiding sitting long enough to think. I figured if I did, I could ignore whatever is going on in my head and my heart. But as I learn again and again, the way I process is through writing, and without it, I become a restless jumbled up mess.

Here's one thing I've been processing:

A month-long conflict that I've had with someone close to me ended on a good note recently and initially, all I could think was, "Wait, that's it? It's over just like that?" How could something so intensely difficult for what feels like months come to an end in a matter of 24 hours?

Throughout the conflict, I begged daily for God's peace, but it never came. I held out hope that eventually it would come before the end, that God was doing something I couldn't understand and He would give me His peace when the time was right -- and then suddenly the conflict was over, and it was "too late" for that peace to come in the midst of conflict. Why? Doesn't He promise peace? Doesn't it not count if it comes once the conflict is over because then there are multiple variables involved?

But looking back, I do remember small moments of peace; they came every now and then. I failed to see them because I expected this long, drawn-out peace throughout it all. But had that happened, would I have begged for it daily?

This past Sunday at church, the pastor took apart the Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9-13). For the line, "Give us our daily bread," he highlighted that Jesus says our daily bread, not our monthly bread, not our yearly bread. Our daily bread. 

He explained the importance of this by using an example of him and his son. Every morning, his young son crawls onto his (the father's) bed, pokes him repeatedly in the face and asks, "Can we go downstairs? I'm hungry." Can you imagine if the son came to his father once a month, or once a year, to ask for food? The son wouldn't need the father all the other days!

God will never let us get to the point where we don't need Him. We need to live in dependency on Him from day to day. He provides from day to day. Even if it's only in small portions.

Those small moments of peace were obviously enough to get me through the day, because I'm here now. Those small moments and the lack of the big moments kept me coming to Him every morning.

"Father, will You feed me this morning? I'm hungry."

thanks-giving, days 4-6: friends, co-workers, governments and kings

November 4: I am thankful for New Life Downtown, the nice lady that sat next to me, and our wonderfully insightful pastor. I am thankful for last-minute hot tubbing escapades with good friends!

November 5: I am thankful for my co-workers at 58:, getting to write about the things I am passionate about, downtime, choir festivals and an amazing singer for a little brother.

Photo credit: Jonathan Bell

November 6: I AM SO THANKFUL ELECTION SEASON IS OVER. I am blessed to live in a country in which we the people have a voice, something so many victims of injustice do not have. I am thankful for another four years to continue reaching out to President Obama and asking him to be faithful to the promises he makes, especially the address he made toward ending human trafficking. I am thankful for opportunities to suffer, whatever that may look like, whenever that may be, no matter how much I may later regret welcoming it. God is sovereign, God is good, and Jesus is King.

thanks-giving, day three: hope, laughter and music

Tonight I am thankful for:

The opportunity to step back from the emotionally heavy environments normally associated with social injustice issues and enjoy a chill night among like-minded people at Pikes Perk for an art benefit and concert that sought to quietly raise awareness for human trafficking.

I enjoyed reclining on the couches at Pikes Perk, listening to live music from a local band playing music by Josh Garrels, Gungor and Glen Hansard, looking at beautiful collage art, talking with a woman from the Human Trafficking Task Force of Southern Colorado, and laughing with friends who took turns reading aloud awkward excerpts from Preparing for Adolescence by Dr. James Dobson, a book we found lying around the coffeehouse.

Hope, laughter and music are such good medicine.

his grace still stands

I wrestle enough with the concept of God's grace. Acknowledging it is difficult, accepting it is hard, and trusting it feels sometimes impossible. I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to ease into the Father's arms. Sometimes I can even believe He's actually embracing me instead of what I tend to think -- that He's shaking His head, looking down on me and saying, "I'm not pleased with you. How can you think that I am?" I'm starting to believe His grace is sufficient to cover over all my sins, even the deliberate, pre-meditated sins of addiction.

Right now, God is leading me through a valley of confusion, of sorrow and of testing. I am filled with a deep longing for things to be resolved; I am chasing after truth and it seems I can never grasp it. What do you when you're confronted with the big questions of life? The big controversies of the Bible, the hot topics of today?

What do you do when people diligently following Jesus are divided, one half believing one thing and the other believing another? How do you reconcile that? We're all looking at the same pages, aren't we? Those who believe are all filled with the Holy Spirit, correct? So why are we coming to so many different conclusions? How can God be pleased with both parties if one believes something is a sin and the other doesn't?

And what happens if I fall into the group that is wrong? What if all this time I've told my heart to rest and ease into the Father's arms, He really is pushing me away because I've interpreted His Word inaccurately? What if all this time I've been an oppressor?

I come to my Father each morning, seeking Him, sitting in silence before Him, reading His Words, and praying He's there with me. But there's fear that because of this confusion and questioning of what the truth is in His Word and where I stand on these issues, He's not very happy with me. He's actually quite furious.

Exhale.

If God's grace extends so far as to cover my most vulgar sins, surely His grace covers my confusion, my brokenness and my questioning. Surely He sees my yearning for truth despite a lack of definite discernment for it right at this moment.

I'm starting to see that my Father isn't so much concerned with how accurate my discernment of what sin is but rather with my attitude toward Him, my availability to the convictions of His Spirit, my thirst for righteousness, and my intimacy with Him. Isn't that what He's always been interested in? That is not an excuse for not exercising judgment or wisdom, because a right relationship with Him brings about an eagerness to learn His ways.

I'm saying that His grace is sufficient for the things that I can't understand right now, the answers I can't find, the issues I can't form definite conclusions on based on His Word -- and that is okay. He desires that I hunger for truth, not necessarily that He reveal it to me all at once.

Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (Psalm 25:8-9)

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:21-26)

Wake me up with patience I don't know. Call me by a name that I lack. Take my hand -- we're almost home, we can see the fire glow. Save me, Grace. I'm sick of saving face. Will You hold me close? You're all I want to know anymore. Desperate love has got me where You want. I surrender -- take me to the place we can start. (Flyleaf, "Saving Grace.")

Thanks-giving, day two: I am thankful for holiday parties with new friends, laughter, hot apple cider and the wonderful feeling of community.

thanks-giving, day one: flyleaf

Inspired by one of my dear friends (check out her blog), I've decided to intentionally give thanks everyday this wonderful month of November. Maybe some days I'll make a list of things I'm thankful for, some days there will be one thing. This post will be the latter and I want to go a little more in depth on it.

Today, I'm thankful for God's blessing through the band Flyleaf.

Flyleaf is a band not a lot of my friends get. To be completely honest, it doesn't make much sense to me why they're my favorite band. I don't relate with much of Lacey's (the lead singer's) story, which serves as a background for a lot of the lyrics. Their style and recent cover art doesn't appeal to me. And a lot of the music I listen to ranges from the likes of Hannah Montana to Simon & Garfunkel, both a far cry from the genre Flyleaf fits into!

It was recently announced that Lacey stepped down as lead singer. The rest of the band members will continue without her under the same name; but honestly, Lacey was Flyleaf for me. It was her distinct voice, story, lyrics and just her presence that connected me to this band. So hearing that news, I've been in a funk. Which is weird, because I haven't been this attached to a band since... like, Jump5 when I was 13.

My connection to Flyleaf's music doesn't make much sense, but neither do most blessings.
So this is what I'm thanking God for today:

I'm thankful for six years of music that brought me out of
           a frustrating love for darkness 
                 --> and into a passionate obsession with
                                    the God who sits closer than my pain,
                                    the Spirit who thickens the air I'm breathing,
                                    the Christ who remains despite my twisted thoughts,
                                    the voice that cuts through the war in my head,
                                    the hands that break my shell,
                                    the eyes that see down inside my stomach,
                                    Glory that exposes me,
                                    Truth that out-screams these lies,
                                    Life that swallows up death,
                                    Love that fills me up inside,
                                    Strength that breathes on these bones,
                                    Grace that calls me by a name that I lack,
                                    and the King that holds my favor with love much greater than I had dreamed.

Words from the songs "Sorrow," "All Around Me," "So I Thought," "Guilty," "I'm Sorry," "Eyes to See," "In the Dark," "Red Sam," "Uncle Bobby," "Great Love," "Stand," "Saving Grace," and "Set Apart This Dream."

freedom from porn, step 435836732857: "the romance cleanse"

I can literally feel myself running dry.
     I can feel myself slowing down,
                                             no energy,
                                                no patience,
                                                   no self-control.

I have been constantly slipping up in my desire for romance and sex, and my time with God has been short, unfruitful and unsatisfying. I am filling up on things that are not of God, and the things that are of Him are steadily draining from me.

This is the point where I know I can't keep going on this way. I've reached a fork in the road where it's either completely indulge in sinful desires, or wholly cleanse myself of these things.

I am convinced that the greatest thing to have in this life is God -- He is the best thing for me. 

Do my actions show this?
              Porn does not satisfy.
              Romance novels do not satisfy.
              Chick flicks do not satisfy.
In fact, they only leave me frustrated, insecure, guilty and yet longing for more.
It's practical masochism.

I have to choose Him, I want to choose Him, I need to choose Him.

----------------------------

I am going on a "romance cleanse." For four weeks, starting tomorrow morning. I want to see how God can use a month of no romance to change my heart and thought patterns. A huge reason I am doing this is because I lack self-control in not looking at porn, and it doesn't help when I tempt myself with romance-centered activities that trigger my desires. So in addition to the endless striving to not look at porn or daydream, this "romance cleanse" means no romance novels (Christian or not), no chick flicks, no listening to love songs and no writing love songs.

I've been putting this off for far too long, trying to do as much as I can before starting this cleanse, trying to get my "fill" before going on withdrawal.

But as every addict knows, there is never a limit to our fills. 

We always want more, and until we change that mindset and say No, this ends now, we will never start the healing process.

Ladies, hold me accountable to this. And if you would like to join me, let me know and we can keep each other accountable, pray for one another, and brainstorm ideas for substitute activities.

What I mean by that last one is that part of changing thought patterns is to train yourself to redirect your thoughts to something else when a negative thought comes to mind. For example, when consuming romantic thoughts come to mind, I redirect that thought and start thanking God for stuff instead. In the same way, giving up certain activities is no good unless we replace them with new, wholesome activities.

So for example, I'm going to start:
     reading The Hobbit,
       jogging in the mornings,
          going to sleep early instead of staying up late on my computer and tempting myself,
             waking up earlier to spend more time with God, and
                 listening to God-centered music that reminds me of where my heart and mind should be.

----------------------------

I was originally going to call this post, "Freedom from porn, remedy 435836732857..." but decided that  that was the wrong mindset. That implies the mentality of, "This is just one more remedy to add to my pile of failed remedies. Let's try something new, though this probably won't work and I'll have to try something else again."

Instead, I call this one of a million steps I have taken to be free of porn. Steps imply progress toward something better, and taking a new step doesn't mean the one before failed. In fact, it means the one before made some impact -- whether great or small -- that led to the next step.

Healing takes a long time, and God continues to heal me in deeper ways each time I surrender this to Him, learn something new about this addiction, and take new steps toward freedom.

burdens, silence and commodities

I'm going through a testing time in a relationship I have, and instead of giving details on the conflict itself, I want to share what God is teaching me through it.

1. Some burdens we must carry alone. We must not be so impulsive in "venting" to others.

"[We are often encouraged] to make others feel our pain as vividly as possible, to 'make much of anything appointed.' There is weakness and the encouragement of weakness in this tendency. It is one thing to feel another's pain. We are to bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill Christ's law. He bore all our griefs, infirmities, and sorrows. But we are also told to bear our own burdens. This must mean to shoulder them bravely, to think twice before laying them onto the shoulders of others who may be more heavily laden than we are." (Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity)

"If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it 'hard,' if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love." (Amy Carmichael, If)

2. Be silent, and wait upon the Lord.

"When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise." (King Solomon, Proverbs 10:19)

"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness [which Moses experienced before being used by God to deliver the Israelites from Pharaoh's oppressive rule], as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say, 'Oh, who am I?' We have to learn the first great stride of God: 'I AM WHO I AM has sent me.'" (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

3. Don't treat relationships like a commodity. We can't give up on a relationship just because we aren't receiving from the person as much as we are giving them.

"Our lives are meant to be spent... We spend ourselves on others because Christ spent His life for us... We spend ourselves for others because Christ spent His life for them... How dare we treat people like a commodity? When you commodify someone, you assess the cost versus value -- am I getting out as much as I am putting in?... How dare we decide whether someone is worth it or not, someone whom Christ has spent His life for?"(Glenn Packiam, sermon this morning at New Life Downtown [paraphrased])

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." (Jesus, Acts 20:35)