philippines: debriefing

Wow, my time doing ministry with the Navs here in the Philippines has come to a close. The last week at Samaritana was much like the previous week, as described in my last post. We continued to serve in the kitchen, spend time with the women, laugh, sing, and network with other missionaries (Moody Bible College) and social entrepreneurs (the card designer of the Sanctuary Spring line the women produce) staying at the building. I was able to help lead worship Friday, including a Tagalog song, "Mahal na Mahal Kita Panginoon," Daidai had taught me the first week here.

We also spent a lot of time with the UP Diliman students, which was a lot of fun. We went out to dinner several times, saw The Dark Knight Rises (a whole day before the United States!), and they threw a Fun Night/Dance Party, including a farewell for us short-termers, particularly the ones who were assigned to their campus.

I've realized what a blessing it is that it worked out for me to serve women at Samaritana, experience living in a community, AND spend time with the college students. Those were all my desires at the beginning of this trip, and it's really cool to see how God answered those prayers.

From July 22-25, my team and I stayed at a guesthouse in Tagatay, a beautiful, more rural part of the Philippines. The guesthouse was atop a mountain, overlooking the forest down the mountainside and Taal Lake at the bottom. At the center of the lake is Taal Volcano, one of the smallest and most dangerous volcanoes in the world, which I got to hike! We spent a lot of time resting, processing individually and together, playing card games, and doing fun activities such as "trekking" and zip lining.

It would rain very lightly every morning, and I would pick a spot on the stone steps behind the guesthouse, little spiders crawling on my legs, the water from the little plants growing through the stone cracks going through my jeans, and I would look over the many trees to the lake ahead of me. The clouds would pass over the forest, the mist coming and going, sweeping over the trees and frequently blocking my view of the lake. It was the first time I couldn't hear the honking Jeepneys or the moans of the tricycle engines. All I heard were the birds calling to each other, frogs croaking, rustling leaves, and the occasional rooster crow and dog bark. Because it was cool enough to wear two layers of a hoodie and a rain jacket, Tagaytay had a bit of a Colorado mountain feel. And for the first time, I found myself at home in the Philippines; this was my element. It was quiet. 

This was my environment each morning during our time there, and I would spend time in prayer and reading through some Psalms, Isaiah and 1 Samuel. One morning I spent time reading through all my journal entries during my stay here, and I took notes on the various things the Lord had taught me. Here's what I came up with:

- God goes before me. He is God with me, Immanuel. He is before me, behind me, within me, beside me.
- Patience, flexibility, waiting, trusting authority.
- Contentment.
- Seeing God's hand in the most complex of circumstances, seeing how He worked things out.
- Learning to love in my relationships with my teammates, understanding different personalities, how to handle conflict, encourage when I don't feel like encouraging, be quiet when I don't want to be quiet, and how to communicate.
- A lot of practical, long-term learning and observing of how nonprofits and social entrepreneurship's work, networking with and learning from missionaries.
- Even though I felt out of place a lot of the time and wasn't around anyone who really knew me -- knows where I've been, how my personality functions, that "home" feeling -- I found comfort in knowing that I am fully known by the Lord.
- Memorized all of Psalm 91, meditating on it everyday, especially the truths of God being my dwelling place, His faithfulness being my rampart, Him going before me with His shadow over me, not fearing the terror of night, Him keeping me in all my ways, and His love covering me.
- Discernment, looking for open doors, and trusting the instincts God has given me.
- The friendship of Ruth and Naomi -- being committed to my teammate in going where she goes and staying where she stays.
- Hebrews 11:39-40, being content with just being a part of God's plan, without seeing the fruit of my labor.
- 1 Samuel 15, obeying God even when it seems like what He commands is less effective, less God-honoring or doesn't seem like a noble task to others around me. He wants my obedience in the small things, and I shouldn't miss out on that just because I am constantly searching for ways to serve in an even bigger way to make myself look better.
- Even if things don't turn out the way I want them to, I need to trust His affirmation in my decision in that situation, even if I can't understand it and it frustrates me. As my teammate Rachel said, it's easy to look back in hindsight and say that I should have done this or that, but that's not fair. We made the best decision we could in the circumstances we had, with the information we were given at the time, with the prompting the Holy Spirit gave us at the time -- let that be enough.
- Don't compare.
- Isaiah 61:1-3. There is not particular calling yet, but I know my heart breaks for broken women.
- Isaiah 30:15. It's okay to rest. It's okay to be quiet. God wants my trust. In these things are my strength as God replenishes me.
- Isaiah 30:19-23, His blessing and desire to show me the right path. He is not a God who disguises Himself, telling me to guess where He is and which path to take. He is a pillar of cloud, a pillar of fire (Exodus 13:21-22). He will not hide Himself from me.
- Ecclesiastes 3:9-13, trusting what God is doing from beginning to end, even if I can't fathom it.

What did God want to teach me, and did I learn it?

I think the main thing God wanted to teach me was presence. Simply being. Simply waiting. Simply resting. Simply serving. Simply being quiet. Let me explain...

Something I found very interesting is that, as I was trying to decide which ministry to choose at the beginning of this trip -- making lists of pros and cons, analyzing the situations -- I made a list of what I thought were my strengths, at least, the ones I thought God would use on this trip. Here's what I came up with:

- Being open/vulnerable
- Discernment in sin/conviction
- Relating on a deeper level
- Sensing what others are feeling/thinking
- Honesty
- Singing, writing

Other than singing, none of my strengths were drawn upon during my time with the women at Samaritana. In fact, because of the language barrier, the sensitivity of the issues at hand, and the culture, I was barely able to go deeper beyond the questions, "How many are in your family?" and "How long have you been at Samaritana?" I wasn't able to be open, honest or vulnerable with them because either they didn't ask or couldn't understand. I was unable to relate on a deeper level. God did not use me in the ways I thought He would or had hoped He would.

In the past, I've gotten in the habit of announcing my testimony to new acquaintances. Sometimes I think that if I do, it will break the ice instantly and we can connect on a deeper level right away -- I'm a very trusting person and long to be understood and to understand right away. There's also a big part of me that wants to share my struggles, which a lot of women think they are alone in, and as a result, bring the issue into the light and be able to help the woman I'm talking to. But with this habit, sometimes I become prideful and rely on my own strength and forget that God is the one who has freed me from this sin.

Coming into this trip, I thought I would have a lot of opportunities to share my testimony with the women I would minister to. But other than my teammates and some of the Nav staff, I was unable to. Instead, God chose to develop a strength in me: presence of redemption. He didn't choose to directly use my story. He chose to make me silent, unable to communicate it in words. Instead of constantly sharing my story, I believe He wanted me to simply live it out before the women. In the future, I think the same applies, and when He opens the door for me to share my story with words, it will happen naturally.

Have I completely learned this lesson? No. Almost the whole time at Samaritana, I was fighting this, trying to speak, trying to do more. Sometimes I would just sit with the women, but I would feel restless and sometimes even leave because I felt like I was doing nothing. But it's okay to be silent and trust that God is moving in a way I cannot see or understand. I think that's what He wanted me to learn, and I am starting to see it now.

But looking back now, I can see that my story did not go completely to "waste." God did use my story, just not in the way I thought He would... If I look back now, I realize that the reason Rachel and I had the opportunity to serve at Samaritana is because the Holy Spirit led me to speak up and tell James my story (as I explained in my first Philippines blog post, under the section called "Decide.") So in a way, I suppose God used my story to indirectly impact the women at Samaritana, because sharing it with my team leader led to mine and Rachel's presence at Samaritana.

These are some of the things I've learned, and some of the things God has shown me during my time in Navs ministry here. My team left for the States early Thursday morning, but I've extended my stay. Now I am in Angeles City with my uncle, who is the pastor of Clark Field Baptist Church. We are in the area he and my mom grew up, the old Clark Air Force Base, where my mom and my dad met, fell in love and were married... I've been here as a kid, but it's so nice to finally be old enough to understand what this place means to my family and to see each spot with fresh eyes.

I will be staying with my uncle for two weeks, touring around, meeting family friends, sharing my experiences with the young adults and high school students at his church, and basically following my uncle wherever he goes... Turns out he's quite the popular guy here, haha! Because of his connections, I will hopefully get to meet Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao, a famous Filipino boxer, today!

My Internet access is not as consistent here, so I don't know how often I'll be able to update. But I will update as much as I can! Thanks for reading!

--Karla

The view of Taal Volcano and Taal Lake from the back of our guesthouse.

The stone steps at the back of our guesthouse.

Ziplining!

One of the shores of Taal Lake. 

We took one of these boats to the island with Taal Volcano.

Hiking Taal Volcano.

Red Light District in Angeles City. There are a lot of prostitutes.

The chapel my parents got married in, in what used to be Clark Air Force Base.

philippines: blessing, part 2

My last post was about how God has been blessing my life in regards to my teammates. This post will be about how God has been blessing me and using me as a blessing in my ministry at Samaritana.

Because this past week was the beginning of a new cycle (a cycle is six months), a lot of it was orientation. Tuesday they spent all afternoon finishing their cards (they have a quota of 84 cards to meet each week, from what I understand), which we helped them with. These are hard-to-make, detailed and beautiful cards. On the back of each card is a statement saying that the cards are fair-trade and that the profit goes to women who are exiting prostitution. Each woman signs her name on the back of the card, and the buyer is encouraged to read her story online at sanctuaryspring.com.

Wednesday through Friday was orientation, with Friday also including a time of worship and fellowship. During orientation, it's all in Tagalog. The first day we had the privilege of having Ate Tina, one of the volunteer missionaries, quietly translate beside us. But the rest of the time, we've done a lot of sitting and not understanding. Sometimes they have work for us to do in the kitchen with preparing lunch, but otherwise, we do a lot of simply being. 

Kuya Jonathan had told us this during our orientation two weeks ago -- that we shouldn't expect to make this grand impact and have really deep conversations because of the language barrier and the little time we have there. But our impact is in our presence, simply being a body there.

As James encouraged us yesterday (Sunday), he told us that there are three parts to the Gospel -- sin, redemption and faith. Because the Philippines is a widely Catholic nation, they understand the sin and faith part. So how do we manifest Christ in this culture? Our redeemed presence.

"The presence of redemption is the difference between us and any other person doing good works. It's about our presence."

Because we are redeemed by Christ, when we are simply among these women, we communicate redemption to them. Looking back, I can see the ways I have done that this past week. But even more so this upcoming week, I want to be more mindful of how I communicate redemption through my presence.

So this past week:

We met about 23 trainees, women between 19 and 42 years old. These women are truly beautiful. When I think "gentle and quiet spirit," I think of these women, whether they are the more quiet ones or the more outgoing ones. They just have this spirit about them that speaks humility, joy and redemption. They are all at different stages in their healing, but the fact that they are even in this program tells me that they are seeking freedom.

One young woman loves to sing, and often there is a song of praise on her lips. She has a beautiful voice, and even more so, she sings the name of Jesus so sincerely. I love to sing with her, from worship songs to Top 40 hits. I've noticed how cross-cultural music is. It's often difficult to carry a longer conversation in English, so either she, I, or others we are with will just start singing, and that bonds us -- and we have a blast!

Another older woman always has a smile on her face, and though she is shy, she will do her best to meet your eyes with her own, very warm and happy. She barely speaks English, but I've seen that my presence alone makes her smile, and so I sit with her. Though I want to do more, it's hard to, and I am learning to be content with simply being a body beside her.

Another young woman, my age in fact, is very quiet. It's her first time at Samaritana and she doesn't seem to speak very much English. But as I've spent more time with her, literally just sitting with her at lunch and asking a question here and there, she has opened up a bit more, communicating to me through her actions. For example, she now offers me a seat at lunch when I can't find anywhere else to sit. Or one day, we all danced to a worship song and twice she chose me to dance with her. That meant the world to me, because before, I felt like my love for her wasn't going through because she was so shy. But when she began to respond in a small smile and small gestures, I knew we were building a relationship.

Many more women have touched my heart, and I pray I have touched theirs in some way. I have to remind myself to not count the days I have left and just enjoy my time with them and pray God would go before me and open doors to go deeper in these relationships as He wills.

The most encouraging thing I have encountered is the scholars meeting Friday afternoon. From what I understand, every Friday, women who have gone through the program and have children who are sponsored by Samaritan sponsors come back to visit. I met one of the children, a 15-year-old girl who is in her last year of high school and considering going to UP Diliman (most prestigious school in the Philippines). She was very talkative and very open. She shared some of her heartaches, some of her joys, and she was just such an encouragement to talk to. 

Her mom later came over, this older woman who barely speaks English, but is very warm and grateful. She now works doing household work, saying that she learned those maintenance skills from Samaritana. She thanked me over and over for serving at Samaritana, as if I had a direct impact on the freedom she now knows, her work and her daughter's education. 

I thought, how crazy! I had nothing to do with all of that. I don't think she understood exactly what I was there for, but that's when it hit me that even though I'm there for only a few weeks, serving behind the scenes and talking to women, God is using me to bless others. The gratitude she showed me made me realize that little blessings add up, and though I had nothing to do with her own training at Samaritana, I am impacting the lives of the women at Samaritana now, whether it be in small or big ways.

I thought of Hebrews 11, where the author says that none of the people in the "hall of faith" saw the fruits of their seed, the fulfilled promises of God. But "God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect" (vs 40). I may not see the fruits of my labor now, but I am even just a small part of God's overall plan and purpose for these women and their families.

In other news, now that Rachel and I live at SEND with Elizabeth, we have the nights free and are able to participate in the Navs activities at the UPD campus, such as their Nav Nights and game nights. It's been cool to relate to the college students there and see how their ministry is thriving. The above reminder of Hebrews 11 is something the speaker at Nav Night shared. :)

Praying for more blessings this last week of ministry! Also, I can't upload pictures to this post because I am doing this on my iPhone at SEND and it's a lot more complicated process (I left my laptop with Jacque at Navs headquarters so she wouldn't be as bored), but I will insert photos this weekend if the Internet at headquarters actually works this time, haha.

--Karla

We made lunch for the women at Samaritana! Handpicked those leaves.

Drawing with the women, what training of the heart, mind and hands looks like.

Worship time.

Freedom.

The women learning to trust each other and work together.

philippines: blessing, part 1

What a week! Because a lot has happened, I'm going to discuss this week in two blog posts -- one focusing on my team, and the second focusing on my ministry.

The week started off with a lot of prayer and discussion about what to do with our teammate Jacque going home to the States three weeks early. As I mentioned in my last post, she had to go to the hospital because she was feeling really weak, lightheaded, exhausted and she passed out that Friday. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, the ENT doctor the next day suggested the many changes she's been adjusting to here in the Philippines (along with his personal belief that a vampire had sucked out her energy…), and as it turns out, Filipinos don't get mono, so I guess the doctors aren't familiar with it. Mono is the most likely answer, since she's had it before and it feels very similar to when she had it.

Sunday evening, she announced her decision to go home early and rest there. She was devastated, and we were sad, but she knew her body and felt it was the best decision. That would leave her college ministry partner, Elizabeth, on her own at SEND (the international house she and Jacque had been staying at while working on the UPD campus nearby).

While that was going on, Rachel was still feeling very uneasy about our living situation in the community because of some things that had happened, while I really believed we should stay. But when I realized that it was a real possibility that she might move out to live with Elizabeth and I might be left alone, I was suddenly terrified and realized I was only comfortable if Rachel was with me. Which, really, if something were to happen to us, what would having one more girl with me do for our situation? That wouldn't help. That's when we realized that moving out was probably the best thing to do, and with Jacque leaving and her room at SEND already paid for (no refund), it opened the door for Rachel and I to move out and move in with Elizabeth at SEND.

We spent time in prayer on our own the next morning. Then we called our team leader, James, who was in India at the time leading another missions team. We explained the situation to him and he affirmed all of us in our decisions. We talked to Ate Jean and Kuya Bobot in the early afternoon and they processed through it with us and also affirmed our decisions. So that evening, Rachel and I moved in with Elizabeth at SEND, and Jacque stayed at the Navs headquarters trying to figure out flights back home.

However, the next day after we had settled in at SEND, we found out that Jacque was actually staying! Turns out it was very expensive to change her flight dates, so the best decision was for her to stay at the Navs headquarters and rest. I know it's hard for her, but I'm excited to see how God continues to work in her and how He grows her through this experience of having to stay behind and rest and wait.

It's been cool to see how God's hand has been on this whole situation. For example, from the perspective of mine and Rachel's own situation, had Jacque not thought she was going home, SEND wouldn't have been an option (there wouldn't have been enough room) and Rachel and I probably would still be in the community, in which our host family is having a difficult time and has enough on their plate without having to take care of two foreigners, you know?

So I have witnessed how faithful God is and how He provides. I love that.

Now we live at SEND, where we commute to Samaritana everyday by tricycle and Jeepney. SEND is very comfortable, which I still fight feeling guilty about and sometimes I wish I were still living in the community. But then I remember how God was so present in our situation, I believe with all my heart that we made the right decision and that this is where we're supposed to be.

It's been interesting with my teammates though, haha. We had a pretty big conflict Thursday night, but we finished resolving it Friday afternoon and we are doing much better now. This whole trip has been such a learning experience of how different personalities work, how different people show care for each other in different ways, and how to communicate. One of the points of conflict was that I like being asked questions. At the end of the day, I know that someone cares for me and is interested in how I'm doing if they inquire about my day. If I have to initiate talking about my day, I don't know if they want to hear about it and I don't feel cared for. But one of my teammates is always exhausted by the end of the day and doesn't like to talk about her day or ask how other people's days were. As a result, I don't feel like she cares.

But as we argued that night, she explained that she always listens when I do talk about my day, and she'll ask questions about whatever I'm talking about. I just hadn't picked up on those things because I wasn't looking for them. I was set on looking for an overall question from her of "How was your day?" that I missed the other ways she communicated care to me.

For me, when someone is asking all the questions and the other person doesn't ask anything back, the friendship feels one-sided, and I don't feel affirmed. In my mind, asking questions is right and not doing so is wrong. So one thing I'm learning is that there isn't one right way to do things; just because I'm having a hard time understanding how not asking questions can be an okay thing to do, that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different, and I'm learning to open my mind to how people think and act differently.

As I'll discuss in my next post about the ministry side of this trip, it's been very frustrating feeling like I'm not making any impact here in ministry. It's always humbling coming on a mission trip and realizing how much you learn about yourself. I've been asking God all week, "Why did You bring me all the way out here, on the support of family and friends, just to learn about myself, particularly through my teammates? Couldn't You have done that in the States?"

It seems so selfish to me, to raise support for a mission trip and then just end up learning about myself. While I do know that God is using me -- it just doesn't feel like it sometimes -- and that He is blessing others through me, a lot of the time all I can see is my own failures and all the times I've been humbled.

But God has been faithful in affirming me when I doubt. It's the little blessings here and there. The little ways He blesses me. The little ways He uses me to bless others. If nothing else, I am here to witness God's blessing in my life and to be a blessing in others' lives. The ways He has taught me through conflict and resolution within my team has been a blessing. Because of that, He is equipping me to be a blessing to others.

To add, the rest of my team is doing well! Paul seems to be loving Los Banos, and Rebecca, Daniel and Jonathan are doing great in the community as they continue to invest in people, play with the children, teach and lead Bible studies. And James (our team leader) is back with us for a few days to check up on all of us, especially Jacque because of her situation, which is very kind of him as he left his team in India (I have a friend there, and they seem to be doing well!) for a little while. It's nice having him here again.

For those of you reading, thanks for hanging in there with my long blog posts! ;)

The view of the street in front of SEND.

philippines: loving

In about an hour, Rachel and I are leaving for Samaritana! But so much has happened leading up to this. At the beginning of last week after praying through 2 Chronicles 20 (as mentioned in my last post), we committed our hearts and time to high school/college ministry for the time being. 

We started preparing for the Andrew Party that Wednesday at 2pm, which is basically a recruitment party for the high school students. Because the students here really connect through gifts and food, we made about 100 bookmarks to give away to the students and we made a lot of turon (banana and brown sugar wrapped in rice paper) and pancit (noodles with carrots, green beans, garlic, onions and meat). 

Then on Tuesday, we got a call from Jonathan, the Nav staff at Samaritana, inviting us to Samaritana the next day at 2pm for orientation -- the same time as the Andrew Party.  At first I was very excited, but then I reminded myself not to get my hopes up -- in the States, an orientation basically means we're officially working there, but here that's not what it means necessarily. Nothing here is what it means, I'm learning. 

I was also bummed that going to orientation meant we were going to miss the Andrew Party, and I wondered if going to orientation that week meant we were going to start ministry with Samaritana earlier than expected (a week and a half early) and pull out of the high school/college ministry so quickly after we had just committed our hearts to it.

On Wednesday we went to orientation with four Inter Varsity girls. The neighborhood is beautiful as it's close to UP Diliman, more on the outskirts of the city. The Samaritana center is so beautiful and peaceful, a perfect environment for this kind of ministry. We met the staff there, including Kuya Jonathan and his wife Ate Thelma, the Nav staff there whom we had been in contact with. As we went through orientation, it sounded like everything was set in stone for us to work there, the printed schedule they gave us was set… the only thing we were waiting on was where we would be staying (whether with a host family or commuting from the Nav building, where we have been staying the past two weeks).

I was very excited to start work, and I'll admit, even more excited to finally have a printed schedule and know what we are doing. I was so happy that the days of waiting and learning to be flexible had paid off and we were finally where we needed to be. 

With such expectations in my heart, I climbed into the van after orientation with Rachel and James (team leader) to head back to the building. But as we discussed the orientation, I found out I still didn't understand this culture. I still didn't understand the way things worked here. Rachel and James explained everything was still tentative, that the schedule was designed for the Inter Varsity team, not for us. We could start with Samaritana next week, we could start the following week, we might never start. I argued with them, trying to understand their logic, trying to understand why the heck no one here can give me a straight answer or a definite plan. And finally I broke down crying.

The next few days were trying, as we waited on updates from Samaritana and tried to commit ourselves to the high school/college ministry while our hearts were still hoping on Samaritana. On the outside, I acted like everything was okay, as if I was adjusting well to the culture, to the humidity, to the flexibility, etc. I wanted so desperately to love it here and to really connect with my heritage. I wanted so desperately to grow and to do better. 

But as we reunited with our teammates this past weekend, I found myself easily agitated by little things they would say or do, I had a bad attitude toward their excitement over their own ministries, I was hurt over an interaction with another teammate, and I was frustrated with myself for being like that, and all our plans were still hanging in the air.

Sunday was a hard day. We met as a team to process together, and all my frustrations, worries and tears came out. I was nervous all day because I knew I needed to talk to the teammate I had had conflict with. And once again, I was beating myself up for not having a good attitude the one day I had with my teammates.

But with all that said, there have been blessings scattered throughout the days. I so enjoyed my time with Daidai and Ate Jean as we made food together. I sang along to Disney movies with Rachel as we made bookmarks. It was refreshing to hang out with a naive but funny and sweet 16-year-old, Paul, one of our teammates who flew in Tuesday night and stayed with us a couple days. It was very nice seeing a pretty part of the Philippines, Los Baños, when we dropped Paul off there (he'll be ministering to high school students there). It was a comfort having James to talk to and joke around with. Friday night gave me a lot to think about as Filipino missionaries from Bangladesh came and spoke to us about their experiences. It was a blessing to participate in a college Bible study on Saturday and get to know some of the students there. And overall, it was fun seeing my teammates again and laughing over peculiar bowel movements again.

This past week has been a lesson in, yes, patience, but also in love. I am learning so much just from my teammates, as we minister to each other and love each other through conflicts and weaknesses. 

Christ has been with me, going before me in all my comings and goings. He has been an ever-constant presence in all my struggling. And He has been faithful in reminding me of these things.

I start a new stage of this mission trip in half an hour as Rachel and I begin to minister at Samaritana. I trust that God will have so much to teach us, and I pray He that as He works in us, He will work through us to love and bless the women we serve. 

Please continue to pray!

Until next weekend,

Karla