simply abiding: philippines: debriefing

Wow, my time doing ministry with the Navs here in the Philippines has come to a close. The last week at Samaritana was much like the previous week, as described in my last post. We continued to serve in the kitchen, spend time with the women, laugh, sing, and network with other missionaries (Moody Bible College) and social entrepreneurs (the card designer of the Sanctuary Spring line the women produce) staying at the building. I was able to help lead worship Friday, including a Tagalog song, "Mahal na Mahal Kita Panginoon," Daidai had taught me the first week here.

We also spent a lot of time with the UP Diliman students, which was a lot of fun. We went out to dinner several times, saw The Dark Knight Rises (a whole day before the United States!), and they threw a Fun Night/Dance Party, including a farewell for us short-termers, particularly the ones who were assigned to their campus.

I've realized what a blessing it is that it worked out for me to serve women at Samaritana, experience living in a community, AND spend time with the college students. Those were all my desires at the beginning of this trip, and it's really cool to see how God answered those prayers.

From July 22-25, my team and I stayed at a guesthouse in Tagatay, a beautiful, more rural part of the Philippines. The guesthouse was atop a mountain, overlooking the forest down the mountainside and Taal Lake at the bottom. At the center of the lake is Taal Volcano, one of the smallest and most dangerous volcanoes in the world, which I got to hike! We spent a lot of time resting, processing individually and together, playing card games, and doing fun activities such as "trekking" and zip lining.

It would rain very lightly every morning, and I would pick a spot on the stone steps behind the guesthouse, little spiders crawling on my legs, the water from the little plants growing through the stone cracks going through my jeans, and I would look over the many trees to the lake ahead of me. The clouds would pass over the forest, the mist coming and going, sweeping over the trees and frequently blocking my view of the lake. It was the first time I couldn't hear the honking Jeepneys or the moans of the tricycle engines. All I heard were the birds calling to each other, frogs croaking, rustling leaves, and the occasional rooster crow and dog bark. Because it was cool enough to wear two layers of a hoodie and a rain jacket, Tagaytay had a bit of a Colorado mountain feel. And for the first time, I found myself at home in the Philippines; this was my element. It was quiet.

This was my environment each morning during our time there, and I would spend time in prayer and reading through some Psalms, Isaiah and 1 Samuel. One morning I spent time reading through all my journal entries during my stay here, and I took notes on the various things the Lord had taught me. Here's what I came up with:

- God goes before me. He is God with me, Immanuel. He is before me, behind me, within me, beside me.
- Patience, flexibility, waiting, trusting authority.
- Contentment.
- Seeing God's hand in the most complex of circumstances, seeing how He worked things out.
- Learning to love in my relationships with my teammates, understanding different personalities, how to handle conflict, encourage when I don't feel like encouraging, be quiet when I don't want to be quiet, and how to communicate.
- A lot of practical, long-term learning and observing of how nonprofits and social entrepreneurship's work, networking with and learning from missionaries.
- Even though I felt out of place a lot of the time and wasn't around anyone who really knew me -- knows where I've been, how my personality functions, that "home" feeling -- I found comfort in knowing that I am fully known by the Lord.
- Memorized all of Psalm 91, meditating on it everyday, especially the truths of God being my dwelling place, His faithfulness being my rampart, Him going before me with His shadow over me, not fearing the terror of night, Him keeping me in all my ways, and His love covering me.
- Discernment, looking for open doors, and trusting the instincts God has given me.
- The friendship of Ruth and Naomi -- being committed to my teammate in going where she goes and staying where she stays.
- Hebrews 11:39-40, being content with just being a part of God's plan, without seeing the fruit of my labor.
- 1 Samuel 15, obeying God even when it seems like what He commands is less effective, less God-honoring or doesn't seem like a noble task to others around me. He wants my obedience in the small things, and I shouldn't miss out on that just because I am constantly searching for ways to serve in an even bigger way to make myself look better.
- Even if things don't turn out the way I want them to, I need to trust His affirmation in my decision in that situation, even if I can't understand it and it frustrates me. As my teammate Rachel said, it's easy to look back in hindsight and say that I should have done this or that, but that's not fair. We made the best decision we could in the circumstances we had, with the information we were given at the time, with the prompting the Holy Spirit gave us at the time -- let that be enough.
- Don't compare.
- Isaiah 61:1-3. There is not particular calling yet, but I know my heart breaks for broken women.
- Isaiah 30:15. It's okay to rest. It's okay to be quiet. God wants my trust. In these things are my strength as God replenishes me.
- Isaiah 30:19-23, His blessing and desire to show me the right path. He is not a God who disguises Himself, telling me to guess where He is and which path to take. He is a pillar of cloud, a pillar of fire (Exodus 13:21-22). He will not hide Himself from me.
- Ecclesiastes 3:9-13, trusting what God is doing from beginning to end, even if I can't fathom it.

What did God want to teach me, and did I learn it?

I think the main thing God wanted to teach me was presence. Simply being. Simply waiting. Simply resting. Simply serving. Simply being quiet. Let me explain...

Something I found very interesting is that, as I was trying to decide which ministry to choose at the beginning of this trip -- making lists of pros and cons, analyzing the situations -- I made a list of what I thought were my strengths, at least, the ones I thought God would use on this trip. Here's what I came up with:

- Being open/vulnerable
- Discernment in sin/conviction
- Relating on a deeper level
- Sensing what others are feeling/thinking
- Honesty
- Singing, writing

Other than singing, none of my strengths were drawn upon during my time with the women at Samaritana. In fact, because of the language barrier, the sensitivity of the issues at hand, and the culture, I was barely able to go deeper beyond the questions, "How many are in your family?" and "How long have you been at Samaritana?" I wasn't able to be open, honest or vulnerable with them because either they didn't ask or couldn't understand. I was unable to relate on a deeper level. God did not use me in the ways I thought He would or had hoped He would.

In the past, I've gotten in the habit of announcing my testimony to new acquaintances. Sometimes I think that if I do, it will break the ice instantly and we can connect on a deeper level right away -- I'm a very trusting person and long to be understood and to understand right away. There's also a big part of me that wants to share my struggles, which a lot of women think they are alone in, and as a result, bring the issue into the light and be able to help the woman I'm talking to. But with this habit, sometimes I become prideful and rely on my own strength and forget that God is the one who has freed me from this sin.

Coming into this trip, I thought I would have a lot of opportunities to share my testimony with the women I would minister to. But other than my teammates and some of the Nav staff, I was unable to. Instead, God chose to develop a strength in me: presence of redemption. He didn't choose to directly use my story. He chose to make me silent, unable to communicate it in words. Instead of constantly sharing my story, I believe He wanted me to simply live it out before the women. In the future, I think the same applies, and when He opens the door for me to share my story with words, it will happen naturally.

Have I completely learned this lesson? No. Almost the whole time at Samaritana, I was fighting this, trying to speak, trying to do more. Sometimes I would just sit with the women, but I would feel restless and sometimes even leave because I felt like I was doing nothing. But it's okay to be silent and trust that God is moving in a way I cannot see or understand. I think that's what He wanted me to learn, and I am starting to see it now.

But looking back now, I can see that my story did not go completely to "waste." God did use my story, just not in the way I thought He would... If I look back now, I realize that the reason Rachel and I had the opportunity to serve at Samaritana is because the Holy Spirit led me to speak up and tell James my story (as I explained in my first Philippines blog post, under the section called "Decide.") So in a way, I suppose God used my story to indirectly impact the women at Samaritana, because sharing it with my team leader led to mine and Rachel's presence at Samaritana.

These are some of the things I've learned, and some of the things God has shown me during my time in Navs ministry here. My team left for the States early Thursday morning, but I've extended my stay. Now I am in Angeles City with my uncle, who is the pastor of Clark Field Baptist Church. We are in the area he and my mom grew up, the old Clark Air Force Base, where my mom and my dad met, fell in love and were married... I've been here as a kid, but it's so nice to finally be old enough to understand what this place means to my family and to see each spot with fresh eyes.

I will be staying with my uncle for two weeks, touring around, meeting family friends, sharing my experiences with the young adults and high school students at his church, and basically following my uncle wherever he goes... Turns out he's quite the popular guy here, haha! Because of his connections, I will hopefully get to meet Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao, a famous Filipino boxer, today!

My Internet access is not as consistent here, so I don't know how often I'll be able to update. But I will update as much as I can! Thanks for reading!

--Karla