The week started off with a lot of prayer and discussion about what to do with our teammate Jacque going home to the States three weeks early. As I mentioned in my last post, she had to go to the hospital because she was feeling really weak, lightheaded, exhausted and she passed out that Friday. The doctors didn't know what was wrong, the ENT doctor the next day suggested the many changes she's been adjusting to here in the Philippines (along with his personal belief that a vampire had sucked out her energy…), and as it turns out, Filipinos don't get mono, so I guess the doctors aren't familiar with it. Mono is the most likely answer, since she's had it before and it feels very similar to when she had it.
Sunday evening, she announced her decision to go home early and rest there. She was devastated, and we were sad, but she knew her body and felt it was the best decision. That would leave her college ministry partner, Elizabeth, on her own at SEND (the international house she and Jacque had been staying at while working on the UPD campus nearby).
While that was going on, Rachel was still feeling very uneasy about our living situation in the community because of some things that had happened, while I really believed we should stay. But when I realized that it was a real possibility that she might move out to live with Elizabeth and I might be left alone, I was suddenly terrified and realized I was only comfortable if Rachel was with me. Which, really, if something were to happen to us, what would having one more girl with me do for our situation? That wouldn't help. That's when we realized that moving out was probably the best thing to do, and with Jacque leaving and her room at SEND already paid for (no refund), it opened the door for Rachel and I to move out and move in with Elizabeth at SEND.
We spent time in prayer on our own the next morning. Then we called our team leader, James, who was in India at the time leading another missions team. We explained the situation to him and he affirmed all of us in our decisions. We talked to Ate Jean and Kuya Bobot in the early afternoon and they processed through it with us and also affirmed our decisions. So that evening, Rachel and I moved in with Elizabeth at SEND, and Jacque stayed at the Navs headquarters trying to figure out flights back home.
However, the next day after we had settled in at SEND, we found out that Jacque was actually staying! Turns out it was very expensive to change her flight dates, so the best decision was for her to stay at the Navs headquarters and rest. I know it's hard for her, but I'm excited to see how God continues to work in her and how He grows her through this experience of having to stay behind and rest and wait.
It's been cool to see how God's hand has been on this whole situation. For example, from the perspective of mine and Rachel's own situation, had Jacque not thought she was going home, SEND wouldn't have been an option (there wouldn't have been enough room) and Rachel and I probably would still be in the community, in which our host family is having a difficult time and has enough on their plate without having to take care of two foreigners, you know?
So I have witnessed how faithful God is and how He provides. I love that.
Now we live at SEND, where we commute to Samaritana everyday by tricycle and Jeepney. SEND is very comfortable, which I still fight feeling guilty about and sometimes I wish I were still living in the community. But then I remember how God was so present in our situation, I believe with all my heart that we made the right decision and that this is where we're supposed to be.
It's been interesting with my teammates though, haha. We had a pretty big conflict Thursday night, but we finished resolving it Friday afternoon and we are doing much better now. This whole trip has been such a learning experience of how different personalities work, how different people show care for each other in different ways, and how to communicate. One of the points of conflict was that I like being asked questions. At the end of the day, I know that someone cares for me and is interested in how I'm doing if they inquire about my day. If I have to initiate talking about my day, I don't know if they want to hear about it and I don't feel cared for. But one of my teammates is always exhausted by the end of the day and doesn't like to talk about her day or ask how other people's days were. As a result, I don't feel like she cares.
But as we argued that night, she explained that she always listens when I do talk about my day, and she'll ask questions about whatever I'm talking about. I just hadn't picked up on those things because I wasn't looking for them. I was set on looking for an overall question from her of "How was your day?" that I missed the other ways she communicated care to me.
For me, when someone is asking all the questions and the other person doesn't ask anything back, the friendship feels one-sided, and I don't feel affirmed. In my mind, asking questions is right and not doing so is wrong. So one thing I'm learning is that there isn't one right way to do things; just because I'm having a hard time understanding how not asking questions can be an okay thing to do, that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different, and I'm learning to open my mind to how people think and act differently.
As I'll discuss in my next post about the ministry side of this trip, it's been very frustrating feeling like I'm not making any impact here in ministry. It's always humbling coming on a mission trip and realizing how much you learn about yourself. I've been asking God all week, "Why did You bring me all the way out here, on the support of family and friends, just to learn about myself, particularly through my teammates? Couldn't You have done that in the States?"
It seems so selfish to me, to raise support for a mission trip and then just end up learning about myself. While I do know that God is using me -- it just doesn't feel like it sometimes -- and that He is blessing others through me, a lot of the time all I can see is my own failures and all the times I've been humbled.
But God has been faithful in affirming me when I doubt. It's the little blessings here and there. The little ways He blesses me. The little ways He uses me to bless others. If nothing else, I am here to witness God's blessing in my life and to be a blessing in others' lives. The ways He has taught me through conflict and resolution within my team has been a blessing. Because of that, He is equipping me to be a blessing to others.
To add, the rest of my team is doing well! Paul seems to be loving Los Banos, and Rebecca, Daniel and Jonathan are doing great in the community as they continue to invest in people, play with the children, teach and lead Bible studies. And James (our team leader) is back with us for a few days to check up on all of us, especially Jacque because of her situation, which is very kind of him as he left his team in India (I have a friend there, and they seem to be doing well!) for a little while. It's nice having him here again.
For those of you reading, thanks for hanging in there with my long blog posts! ;)
The view of the street in front of SEND.
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