I need a panic button.

There isn't really a focus to this post... I was just rambling to myself to pass the time, and I was going to delete this once I finished writing. But looking it over again, there's this progression (well, it's fairly abrupt) of despair to hope that accidentally happened, a hope from Jesus that somehow made its way through. I figured I'd keep it.

I've got a case of the Sundays yet again. I'm sitting next to my bedroom window, watching new snow fall like down feathers. There's a pineapple-scented candle burning in front of me and I'm typing on my dad's iPad (I left my laptop at the office as a new initiative to avoid pornography).

It's been a while since I've wrote one of these. To be honest, adding to this blog is the only time I really pause to think, to take a moment and consider, what do I even want to say?

Writing is also what I do when I really want to act out, so I write to distract myself. As my parents left to take my sister back to her college town this afternoon, I was left alone in an empty house (well, my brother is here, but he's glued to the TV) with a million options for spending my Sunday afternoon. 

One in particular hovered at the front of my mind: you could read something bad. Or watch something bad. Or think something bad. And for a few minutes, that is how I believed this afternoon would go. 

Lately, my sin in this area has been pre-meditated. I plan for it to happen. I look forward to it happening, thinking I can get away with the guilt that will follow (I never can). My brain has been programmed to act on instinct, act on desire, no matter the consequences.

Last night I dreamed that I liked a guy and he liked me, typical for a single girl. But this morning I woke up with an intense feeling of loneliness, the kind that cripples me, that makes me want to stay in bed and not face whatever Satan has planned for me today, some kind of master plan to exploit my feelings.

This morning I knew this afternoon would happen, that a battle was going to take place all day, and I was already planning to lose. I dreaded it.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be let out of sight. Likes someone under suicide watch, I should be under pornography watch. Seriously, that's how bad it is.

How could I have lived this way for 12 years? How did it all begin? I see people find freedom instantly. Why is it taking me so long? What lies am I believing? What am I not getting here?

I contacted a counselor last week when I reached a point of desperation. Upon learning of the cost of each session, I gave up and didn't email her back. It's gonna have to be just me and God.

And that's the problem. How much am I really involving God? When I want something badly enough, God is no longer in the picture. It's as if He's calling and I'm putting Him on hold. "Sorry, can I put You on hold? I'm getting a call from porn. It's urgent."

I need a panic button. Like a real, actual panic button. Something I can hit to escape, something that will chain me up so I can't act out, something to distract me. But it has to happen right away or else it's too late. I have several friends who tell me to call them whenever I get the urge... I've never tried it, because I don't believe it will work. I'd probably just wait 'til after the phone call to act out.

Do you ever get that frustrated, claustrophobic feeling when there's so much you need to tell God but you can't sit still long enough, you can't forget sin long enough, you can't think straight, you don't want to, and then you give up and ignore God? That happened yesterday.

Yesterday I thought about how I'm not much different than a pimp, or a john. Uncontrollable. Twisted. Broken. Needing release. Apathetic. Programmed. So what if I act out online and they act out offline? The same people are affected, whether directly or indirectly. The same sick desire is there, at least at the core of it.

These trafficked girls I'm advocating for... I'm part of the problem.

I just looked out the window and saw that the sun has come out, and oddly enough, I really am filled with hope. Actually, nope, now the sun is gone again... Geez, that was short-lived. But you know what, the hope is still there. I've been sitting here for almost two hours, just thinking and writing, a little crying here, a little praying there.

I need to hit my knees and pray. That's my panic button. Sometimes it works, and other times I'll admit it doesn't. But I've got to keep trying. And I've got to keep praying. I need my Jesus.

And I need to get up in the mornings, not because there's a battle to fight but because there's a battle to win.

porn addiction and bad reputations

I've had a few people express concern that I am so open on the Internet (my blog and Facebook) about my struggle with pornography. Some are afraid it will cause people to look down on me and write me off. Some are afraid people will take advantage of me, now knowing my weaknesses. And some are afraid it will scare away any potential men in my life, intimidating them.

Admittedly, I've had these thoughts. It wasn't an overnight thing to be able to bare all in such a place where you don't even really know who might be reading. It took four years to be able to share this so openly.

But I have seen so much good come from carefully placing the raw pieces of me in a place where any woman could read it, whether I know her or not--whether she's my roommate or a girl I friended on Facebook because we met once at a ministry gathering. You can reach more people on Facebook than you can at a Bible study leaders training where not all women are present. Sometimes you can speak into someone's life through written word on Facebook more than you ever could stuttering face-to-face. Girls have joined sexual addictions Bible studies because a friend and I weren't afraid of what people would think, because we allowed Jesus to work through our lives--even our lives on Facebook.

There's tact. And there is a time and a place. But since I am unashamed, I would rather take every opportunity I can to reach every possible person in my life than hesitate one moment and miss someone that I could have reached out to because I was afraid of my own reputation.

Bottom line: I want to live in a culture that speaks as openly about its struggle with pornography as it does its compulsive lying, where my struggle with lust is viewed no worse than your struggle with gossip, where her struggle with masturbation is no different than his struggle with excessive eating. And if this is the culture we want to live in--the culture we believe the Church should embrace--then we should be the ones to introduce this culture.

As for me, if it causes friends to look at me with disgust, then alright. If it encourages someone to exploit my weaknesses, then I pray I would be wiser at choosing who I friend on Facebook in the first place. And if it scares away any man who would want to pursue me, then quite frankly, he isn't worth my heartache.

noise

I wrote this song about a month ago, and I have since failed at all recording attempts.

The same feelings in this song are resurfacing again, so I thought I would share:

noise

lead me in this atmosphere--

we linger in the shadow of kings as dreamers to 

forever weave the bones of wayward thoughts.

speak up, won't you please?

all your brain is so bitter, my heart is so bare.

if only you and I could simply close our eyes and 

by and by, heal these goodbyes.

their trains have moved out of my neighborhood,

leaving their white walls but for dirt marks in places I know all too well.

this is the same town, your framed scowls and all I do is stare

into glass canvas, painting old faces--

they're all I think about.

chasing eyes to see if they'll look at me,

chasing words to see if they'll speak to me.

oh and I know you're gone,

oh and I know I'm lost.

chasing years to see if they'll stay with me.

every connection I have has drowned, garbling my words--it's all empty sound,

while the world has picked up a new language. did you intend to tell me?

the words I scream are dead now.

I found fourteen radios--I've lined them up in front of me.

I tuned each one to the different stations we used to scan,

and I'm still listening for your voice somewhere above the noise,

somewhere lost in all the noise.

ugly truths about addiction recovery

i tend to only bear my heart on matters of addiction when i'm feeling on top of things. when i think i've finally claimed this thing called freedom. i don't like to talk about it when i've spiraled down to a point of depression, of almost giving up on ever being on the other side of these bars, when it seems Satan has swallowed the key to my cage.

but the ugly side of addiction and the aspiring recovery process should be exposed too. because as it is, i am in the grieving period again, and to pretend everything is okay is to deny the brutal truths of sin.

it's like this:

trying to rewrite the devil's language into a tongue that includes the vocabulary sin and clear conscience.
it's seeking protection from the very thing that breaks me.
tracing the lines in my mind of the thing i want so bad, all the while blinking my eyes so quickly in hopes of wiping that desire from memory.
it's knowing that my very thoughts are evil, my motives putrid, but they can do no hiding from the Holy of Holies.
it deprives me of sleep.
it haunts my brain.
it plagues my body.
it lays bricks to the wall i've made up between me and God.
it's jumping into the shower, knowing i'm not going to come out clean, no matter how hard i scrub my body.
it's waking up and knowing the remorse carries over from night to day; i can't sleep it off.
it's the doubt that hounds me when i am all the more uncertain that God wants anything to do with me right now.
everything inside of me wants it, and once that is determined, i have become a rabid, hollow-eyed creature that will do anything to get it.

what is this freedom you speak of?
for eleven long years freedom has always been that dream i swear i've finally grasped only for it to slip through my fingers again. i honestly don't know what freedom looks like. all i know is it can't look like this -- where it takes three months to climb out of a hole and breathe clean air, but only three hours to fall right back down to the bottom.

even a Taylor Swift song can describe it:
"i knew you were trouble when you walked in. so shame on me now. you flew me to places i'd never been until you put me down. i knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now - flew me to places i'd never been. now i'm lying on the cold hard ground."

an exact description of addiction. relapses occur because it means returning to something familiar yet with the potential to experience something new and exciting each time. but at the end of it, you're let down, and emptier than ever. it's binding.

for a more literary reference, it's also like Frodo:
"i am naked in the dark, and there is no veil between me and the wheel of fire. i begin to see it even with my waking eyes, and all else fades."

the feeling of the Accuser setting his eyes on me, what's left of his hold on me pulling down on my neck, such a heavy burden.

but i so badly want to get up and be restored! could i keep my head above the water long enough this time to see that His hand is still there, outstretched to me? and if i cannot, let it be that He would come in and save me.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, "I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." 
(Hosea 2:7)

I know this language of yours; I used to speak it so well. A fire meant to be pure is not the fire of Hell. Your time's up now. That's enough now. Shut up, get out! Truth called you out.
(Flyleaf)

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." 
--God (Genesis 4:7)

Romans 7:15-25.

night changes many thoughts

I know there's such a thing as seasonal depression... what about nightfall depression? For me, it happens most nights. I'm alone in my room, turn off the light to go to sleep, and suddenly all my fears sweep in, all my insecurities. My mind runs in a hundred different directions, remembering all the things I need to do, all the things I long for, the hurts of that day, the worries of tomorrow, the memories of yesterday... Everything that seemed fine in the daytime is suddenly dark, heavy and scary in my mind.

"Night changes many thoughts."

It's a Lord of the Rings quote I think of on most nights, every time this happens. Most times, the things I think of at night are no more true than during the day. The difference is the darkness, the stillness, the silence of all else but my own thoughts. And suddenly night has changed them.

Sometimes meditating on Scripture helps, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, begging to God still on my lips. I don't know the cure to this nightfall depression. All I know is that when morning comes, most times I no longer see the demons in my room. Because morning comes, I don't need to fear the terror of night (Psalm 91).

This song summarizes everything. Many nights I fall asleep listening to it, a single lit candle in sight.

When darkness falls at evening time 
And all the world is still 
My heart feels restless, oh my God 
It longs to be filled 

Oh Father rescue me from doubt 
Deliver me from grief 
Let your joy in me abound 
Remove my unbelief, remove my unbelief 

I hear the wind rush through the trees 
A peaceful whistling sound 
But still my soul is not at ease 
And sleep cannot be found 

You are stillness, you are quiet 
You are comfort and peace.

-Jenny & Tyler

when slaves to sex try to free those in sex slavery

One thing that has started motivating me to stay away from pornography is recognizing the ties it has with sex trafficking. Pornography fuels the demand for sex. It trains the mind to believe that sex should be readily available, that as long as it gives us pleasure it can be abused, and that men and women are nothing but bodies to masturbate in.

When slaves to sex try to free those in sex slavery, you make no progress. The people you've "rescued" have no place to go other than right back into the system that demands more sex, tracing its steps back to those days you hide out in your room browsing porn sites.

How can we desire or expect to free boys and girls from sex slavery when we ourselves are slaves to sex? How can we expect to free those who would give anything to not have sex with strangers night after night, when we ourselves throw away our relationships and good use of our time to spend hours searching for sex on the Internet? How twisted is that?

We have become mindless creatures, slaves to our sexual drives. Slaves who could be free, but choose not to. Slaves who are so blinded by their own petty lusts that they can't see those who are physically enslaved by an increasing demand for sex.

How can I be okay with this? How can I ignore the link between my own sin and the oppression of a child here in the US or in another part of the world? How can I give my mind over to something that's not real while real people are being sold into real pain to satisfy a real repulsive desire similar to my own?

I want to see men and women who are not mastered by sex. Men and women who are disciplined and by the Holy Spirit are able to control their cravings. Men and women who are free from their own various poverties (physical, emotional, spiritual) and are equipped to set others free in the name of Jesus.

I want us to gain a larger perspective of the consequences of our sin and take responsibility for it. Jesus has already provided the redemption for our sins; let's throw off everything that hinders (Hebrew 12:1) and join Him in the redemption of everything else that's such a mess in this world.

why you have to keep leaning into cynicism

“I am a great cynic.” 

Would you believe those words came from someone who advocates on behalf of the poor and the oppressed on a daily basis? Believe it or not, there are days when even the ones telling you to have hope for the end of poverty have trouble believing it themselves!

Cynicism is hard to avoid when there’s so much injustice in the world and it seems like it’s not going away. We have the statistics to prove that we are making definite progress, but when you’re still face-to-face with evil, it all seems so much bigger than any numbers could tell you otherwise.

I had the chance to sit down with Jayme Cloninger, Manager of Public Policy with Feed the Children, a faith-based nonprofit providing hope and resources for those without life’s essentials. At 24, Jayme describes herself as a “human rights and social justice activist” and a “faith-driven, passionate dreamer.”

To be completely honest, I was fairly intimidated by her passion and intensity! When I asked her how she addresses the cynics around her, it was a pleasant surprise to hear that there are days when she is in fact one of them.

“There are days where I am a great cynic,” Jayme told me. “It is overwhelming. Do I actually believe hunger will ever end?... I’ve seen things that are terrible and perpetuate incredible injustices and exploitation, that take the lives of so many innocent people and basically wreak havoc and Hell on earth.”

Is injustice a glimpse of Hell on earth? For Jayme, injustice is how we experience Hell everyday. And if it’s all around us, how do we experience hope? By remembering that there is also Heaven – the kingdom of God is near, and in that promise we find redemption and hope.

“This is where I stay really close to the Christian faith because of the role of Christ, as a believer in Jesus Christ and the life that He led,” Jayme said. “Jesus is someone who interacted with cynicism everyday, interacted with an unjust system – He exploited Himself on the cross for that! Because He dove deep into that, He was able to redeem it.”

Throughout Jesus’ ministry, He came across people who doubted His authority, His power and His love. How could someone who appeared as lowly as Him possibly be the Messiah they had been waiting for? Even when they saw hope face-to-face – they saw Him heal their diseases, cast out demons, raise the dead to life, and touch the unloved – they let their cynicism overcome what they saw with their own eyes. Even Jesus’ disciples doubted Him! And when Jesus was crucified and darkness surrounded, cynicism peaked and all hope seemed lost.

Can we relate in our own cynicism about the end of extreme poverty? Then let’s remember the next chapter in the story – the resurrection of Christ. Many cynics were silenced then!

Photo: Jayme Cloninger with a little girl in the Philippines. 

“I’ve seen realistically the power of the resurrection,” Jayme said. “I’ve seen it in the Philippines, I’ve seen it in Mozambique, I’ve seen it in my own heart, I’ve seen it in my family’s… There are terribly systems, but there is hope.”

No one is beyond the reach of the power of the resurrection of Christ. And if we can believe that, why can’t we believe He can also redeem extreme poverty and injustice? As Christians, we are called to believe this. We are called to hope. But where do we begin? We start right where we are – in the middle of cynicism.

“Because we as Christians are called to live out a life that seeks redemption, we are called to question cynicism,” Jayme said. “We are called to question it on the grounds of hope and on the grounds of redemption… I think the enemy, per say, is cynicism, and I think God is with us in that. I don’t think God leaves us there. A lot of times [cynicism] is where I don’t feel God, but I think that the moments when I don’t feel God is when God is working the most…”

When she said that, I couldn’t help but think of Jesus on the cross, crying out to the Father, “Why have You forsaken me?” It is my belief that in that moment, He could not feel God – He took on our full punishment for sin through separation from God in that moment. But just because He couldn’t feel God with Him, does that mean God was not working? Our whole faith depends on the hope that He indeed was!

In a similar way, cynicism is a hard place to be, but because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we can trust that God is with us and that He is still working. We don’t need to be afraid of cynicism. 

“You have to ask those hard questions that lead you to cynicism,” Jayme continued. “Questions will lead you to cynicism. But it can also lead you to apathy and inaction. But you can’t give up. You have to lean into those really, really hard questions because that’s the only way you’re going to come out of it with hope. You have to lean into the tension to find the hope – you have to. That’s what the role of Christ was in life.”

Here’s the truth: There are many days I’m a cynic. Maybe you are too. But this girl is going to keep leaning into it, and I'm not going to give up and remain in the cynicism – I'm going to come out of it with intense hope that we can end extreme poverty. I pray you’ll keep leaning into it too!


*Photo: A silk dyer in India. Whole families are enslaved in the silk industry, forced to work with toxic dye. Part of the Modern Day Slavery collection by Lisa Kristine. 

the forgotten role of Jesus

Have you ever looked at a group of advocates on the side of the road and gotten an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Or seen a street preacher on the college campus and quickly ducked away, not wanting to be associated with him? Maybe the girl posting all sorts of causes and petitions on her Facebook wall annoys you.

I’m not sure what it is – something about them being too out there, too controversial, too “hippie.” When I get this anxious feeling, it’s often a standoff between “Stop it, you’re way too extreme” and “I wish I had the guts to do what you’re doing.”

Reconciling two different sides of Jesus 

For a lot of Christians, advocacy is the line between the two seemingly opposing traits of a Jesus-follower – leading a peaceful, quiet life vs. standing up for truth, even if it means being in the middle of an uproar. We see these two sides of Jesus, and we are drawn to both but aren’t sure how to reconcile them. He was a man who remained quiet in the face of His accusers (Mark 15:3-5), who respected the law (Matt. 22:21), who tried to keep things quiet and often withdrew to lonely places (Luke 5:14-16), and who urged us to be peacemakers (Matt. 5:9). We also see in 1 Thessalonians 4:11 that we are encouraged to lead a quiet life, and in Romans 12:18 we are commanded to be at peace with everyone as long as it depends on us.

But Jesus was also a man who stirred up controversy (John 8:54-59), who turned old commands inside out (Matt. 5:17-48), who rebuked the evil-doers and hypocrites (Matt. 23:13-39), who cursed fig trees and overturned tables (Mark 11:12-25), and who said He did not come to bring peace but a sword (Matt. 10:34). We are told in Romans 12:1 to not conform to the patterns of the world and in Acts 5:29-42, we see the apostles preach the Gospel, even when authorities told them to stop and persecuted them.

Seeing advocacy as part of the Christian life 

As Christians, we struggle to reconcile these different aspects of the Christian life, and then you throw advocacy into the mix and we are even more confused. To many of us, advocacy looks like causing a stir, standing up for things that are too extreme, being overly convicted to boycott anything and everything, and talking back to authorities.

But what if we saw advocacy as a part of Jesus’ ministry? What if we could stand up for what is right and be respectful and gentle as we do so? Jesus was the perfect advocate, humble and gentle in heart while bold and truthful at the same time. What if we dared to look at the dictionary definition of advocacy – to plead the cause of another, side with, vindicate, recommend publicly – and compare that to the example Jesus set for us in His advocacy for the hungry, the thirsty, the sick, and the oppressed, the example we see in the heart of the Father?

Advocacy Associate with World Vision, Amanda Mootz, said, “There are thousands of people out there who don’t have a clue, who haven’t heard that advocacy is a part of God’s heart – that justice is a part of it, and justice requires advocacy… We’re not just acting out of a conviction and makeup out of ourselves and trying to convince that person to believe our conviction. We’re looking at what Scripture says, that this is what we are compelled to do based on our identity. So we have something else to point to and to at least start from.”

Amanda went on to say that it might be difficult to convince people to care about, for example, conflict minerals in their phones and the part they play in contributing to unjust systems. But if you treat advocacy as a part of the Christian life, there arises a Christ-like motivation behind it.

“They might not care about what’s in their phones, but what they know how to care about is their spiritual life and their faith life,” Amanda continued. “So if you can start with them in that realm, then you can slowly branch out into understanding that God’s heart is bigger than just their little church world.”

With the corrupt systems of today, advocacy for us includes becoming informed, rooting out the things in our lives that contribute to injustice and even giving up those things and changing our lifestyle.

“We need to have integrity in that we can’t ask the government to do something we aren’t prepared to do ourselves,” said Jason Fileta, president of Micah Challenge USA.

Like any other aspect of our Christian lives, becoming like Jesus in His advocacy role is a process. It is the fruit of our intimacy with Christ and is developed over time.

“Advocacy really is a lifestyle… I love the idea of thinking about advocacy as a spiritual discipline, and that requires sacrifice,” said Jayme Cloninger, Manager of Public Policy at Feed the Children.

We can’t pick and choose which roles of Jesus we want to try on. If we are to pursue Christlikeness, we have to look at the complete person of who He was and strive to be like Him in every way as we continue to abide in His grace every day.

Jesus the Healer.
Friend.
Teacher.
Shepherd.
Servant.
Advocate. 


 *Photo: “Music for the Masses.” CC image courtesy of CoreForce on Flickr.

hungry every morning

I'll admit, I've been avoiding this blog, avoiding sitting long enough to think. I figured if I did, I could ignore whatever is going on in my head and my heart. But as I learn again and again, the way I process is through writing, and without it, I become a restless jumbled up mess.

Here's one thing I've been processing:

A month-long conflict that I've had with someone close to me ended on a good note recently and initially, all I could think was, "Wait, that's it? It's over just like that?" How could something so intensely difficult for what feels like months come to an end in a matter of 24 hours?

Throughout the conflict, I begged daily for God's peace, but it never came. I held out hope that eventually it would come before the end, that God was doing something I couldn't understand and He would give me His peace when the time was right -- and then suddenly the conflict was over, and it was "too late" for that peace to come in the midst of conflict. Why? Doesn't He promise peace? Doesn't it not count if it comes once the conflict is over because then there are multiple variables involved?

But looking back, I do remember small moments of peace; they came every now and then. I failed to see them because I expected this long, drawn-out peace throughout it all. But had that happened, would I have begged for it daily?

This past Sunday at church, the pastor took apart the Lord's prayer (Matthew 6:9-13). For the line, "Give us our daily bread," he highlighted that Jesus says our daily bread, not our monthly bread, not our yearly bread. Our daily bread. 

He explained the importance of this by using an example of him and his son. Every morning, his young son crawls onto his (the father's) bed, pokes him repeatedly in the face and asks, "Can we go downstairs? I'm hungry." Can you imagine if the son came to his father once a month, or once a year, to ask for food? The son wouldn't need the father all the other days!

God will never let us get to the point where we don't need Him. We need to live in dependency on Him from day to day. He provides from day to day. Even if it's only in small portions.

Those small moments of peace were obviously enough to get me through the day, because I'm here now. Those small moments and the lack of the big moments kept me coming to Him every morning.

"Father, will You feed me this morning? I'm hungry."

thanks-giving, days 4-6: friends, co-workers, governments and kings

November 4: I am thankful for New Life Downtown, the nice lady that sat next to me, and our wonderfully insightful pastor. I am thankful for last-minute hot tubbing escapades with good friends!

November 5: I am thankful for my co-workers at 58:, getting to write about the things I am passionate about, downtime, choir festivals and an amazing singer for a little brother.

Photo credit: Jonathan Bell

November 6: I AM SO THANKFUL ELECTION SEASON IS OVER. I am blessed to live in a country in which we the people have a voice, something so many victims of injustice do not have. I am thankful for another four years to continue reaching out to President Obama and asking him to be faithful to the promises he makes, especially the address he made toward ending human trafficking. I am thankful for opportunities to suffer, whatever that may look like, whenever that may be, no matter how much I may later regret welcoming it. God is sovereign, God is good, and Jesus is King.

thanks-giving, day three: hope, laughter and music

Tonight I am thankful for:

The opportunity to step back from the emotionally heavy environments normally associated with social injustice issues and enjoy a chill night among like-minded people at Pikes Perk for an art benefit and concert that sought to quietly raise awareness for human trafficking.

I enjoyed reclining on the couches at Pikes Perk, listening to live music from a local band playing music by Josh Garrels, Gungor and Glen Hansard, looking at beautiful collage art, talking with a woman from the Human Trafficking Task Force of Southern Colorado, and laughing with friends who took turns reading aloud awkward excerpts from Preparing for Adolescence by Dr. James Dobson, a book we found lying around the coffeehouse.

Hope, laughter and music are such good medicine.

his grace still stands

I wrestle enough with the concept of God's grace. Acknowledging it is difficult, accepting it is hard, and trusting it feels sometimes impossible. I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to ease into the Father's arms. Sometimes I can even believe He's actually embracing me instead of what I tend to think -- that He's shaking His head, looking down on me and saying, "I'm not pleased with you. How can you think that I am?" I'm starting to believe His grace is sufficient to cover over all my sins, even the deliberate, pre-meditated sins of addiction.

Right now, God is leading me through a valley of confusion, of sorrow and of testing. I am filled with a deep longing for things to be resolved; I am chasing after truth and it seems I can never grasp it. What do you when you're confronted with the big questions of life? The big controversies of the Bible, the hot topics of today?

What do you do when people diligently following Jesus are divided, one half believing one thing and the other believing another? How do you reconcile that? We're all looking at the same pages, aren't we? Those who believe are all filled with the Holy Spirit, correct? So why are we coming to so many different conclusions? How can God be pleased with both parties if one believes something is a sin and the other doesn't?

And what happens if I fall into the group that is wrong? What if all this time I've told my heart to rest and ease into the Father's arms, He really is pushing me away because I've interpreted His Word inaccurately? What if all this time I've been an oppressor?

I come to my Father each morning, seeking Him, sitting in silence before Him, reading His Words, and praying He's there with me. But there's fear that because of this confusion and questioning of what the truth is in His Word and where I stand on these issues, He's not very happy with me. He's actually quite furious.

Exhale.

If God's grace extends so far as to cover my most vulgar sins, surely His grace covers my confusion, my brokenness and my questioning. Surely He sees my yearning for truth despite a lack of definite discernment for it right at this moment.

I'm starting to see that my Father isn't so much concerned with how accurate my discernment of what sin is but rather with my attitude toward Him, my availability to the convictions of His Spirit, my thirst for righteousness, and my intimacy with Him. Isn't that what He's always been interested in? That is not an excuse for not exercising judgment or wisdom, because a right relationship with Him brings about an eagerness to learn His ways.

I'm saying that His grace is sufficient for the things that I can't understand right now, the answers I can't find, the issues I can't form definite conclusions on based on His Word -- and that is okay. He desires that I hunger for truth, not necessarily that He reveal it to me all at once.

Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (Psalm 25:8-9)

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:21-26)

Wake me up with patience I don't know. Call me by a name that I lack. Take my hand -- we're almost home, we can see the fire glow. Save me, Grace. I'm sick of saving face. Will You hold me close? You're all I want to know anymore. Desperate love has got me where You want. I surrender -- take me to the place we can start. (Flyleaf, "Saving Grace.")

Thanks-giving, day two: I am thankful for holiday parties with new friends, laughter, hot apple cider and the wonderful feeling of community.

thanks-giving, day one: flyleaf

Inspired by one of my dear friends (check out her blog), I've decided to intentionally give thanks everyday this wonderful month of November. Maybe some days I'll make a list of things I'm thankful for, some days there will be one thing. This post will be the latter and I want to go a little more in depth on it.

Today, I'm thankful for God's blessing through the band Flyleaf.

Flyleaf is a band not a lot of my friends get. To be completely honest, it doesn't make much sense to me why they're my favorite band. I don't relate with much of Lacey's (the lead singer's) story, which serves as a background for a lot of the lyrics. Their style and recent cover art doesn't appeal to me. And a lot of the music I listen to ranges from the likes of Hannah Montana to Simon & Garfunkel, both a far cry from the genre Flyleaf fits into!

It was recently announced that Lacey stepped down as lead singer. The rest of the band members will continue without her under the same name; but honestly, Lacey was Flyleaf for me. It was her distinct voice, story, lyrics and just her presence that connected me to this band. So hearing that news, I've been in a funk. Which is weird, because I haven't been this attached to a band since... like, Jump5 when I was 13.

My connection to Flyleaf's music doesn't make much sense, but neither do most blessings.
So this is what I'm thanking God for today:

I'm thankful for six years of music that brought me out of
           a frustrating love for darkness 
                 --> and into a passionate obsession with
                                    the God who sits closer than my pain,
                                    the Spirit who thickens the air I'm breathing,
                                    the Christ who remains despite my twisted thoughts,
                                    the voice that cuts through the war in my head,
                                    the hands that break my shell,
                                    the eyes that see down inside my stomach,
                                    Glory that exposes me,
                                    Truth that out-screams these lies,
                                    Life that swallows up death,
                                    Love that fills me up inside,
                                    Strength that breathes on these bones,
                                    Grace that calls me by a name that I lack,
                                    and the King that holds my favor with love much greater than I had dreamed.

Words from the songs "Sorrow," "All Around Me," "So I Thought," "Guilty," "I'm Sorry," "Eyes to See," "In the Dark," "Red Sam," "Uncle Bobby," "Great Love," "Stand," "Saving Grace," and "Set Apart This Dream."

freedom from porn, step 435836732857: "the romance cleanse"

I can literally feel myself running dry.
     I can feel myself slowing down,
                                             no energy,
                                                no patience,
                                                   no self-control.

I have been constantly slipping up in my desire for romance and sex, and my time with God has been short, unfruitful and unsatisfying. I am filling up on things that are not of God, and the things that are of Him are steadily draining from me.

This is the point where I know I can't keep going on this way. I've reached a fork in the road where it's either completely indulge in sinful desires, or wholly cleanse myself of these things.

I am convinced that the greatest thing to have in this life is God -- He is the best thing for me. 

Do my actions show this?
              Porn does not satisfy.
              Romance novels do not satisfy.
              Chick flicks do not satisfy.
In fact, they only leave me frustrated, insecure, guilty and yet longing for more.
It's practical masochism.

I have to choose Him, I want to choose Him, I need to choose Him.

----------------------------

I am going on a "romance cleanse." For four weeks, starting tomorrow morning. I want to see how God can use a month of no romance to change my heart and thought patterns. A huge reason I am doing this is because I lack self-control in not looking at porn, and it doesn't help when I tempt myself with romance-centered activities that trigger my desires. So in addition to the endless striving to not look at porn or daydream, this "romance cleanse" means no romance novels (Christian or not), no chick flicks, no listening to love songs and no writing love songs.

I've been putting this off for far too long, trying to do as much as I can before starting this cleanse, trying to get my "fill" before going on withdrawal.

But as every addict knows, there is never a limit to our fills. 

We always want more, and until we change that mindset and say No, this ends now, we will never start the healing process.

Ladies, hold me accountable to this. And if you would like to join me, let me know and we can keep each other accountable, pray for one another, and brainstorm ideas for substitute activities.

What I mean by that last one is that part of changing thought patterns is to train yourself to redirect your thoughts to something else when a negative thought comes to mind. For example, when consuming romantic thoughts come to mind, I redirect that thought and start thanking God for stuff instead. In the same way, giving up certain activities is no good unless we replace them with new, wholesome activities.

So for example, I'm going to start:
     reading The Hobbit,
       jogging in the mornings,
          going to sleep early instead of staying up late on my computer and tempting myself,
             waking up earlier to spend more time with God, and
                 listening to God-centered music that reminds me of where my heart and mind should be.

----------------------------

I was originally going to call this post, "Freedom from porn, remedy 435836732857..." but decided that  that was the wrong mindset. That implies the mentality of, "This is just one more remedy to add to my pile of failed remedies. Let's try something new, though this probably won't work and I'll have to try something else again."

Instead, I call this one of a million steps I have taken to be free of porn. Steps imply progress toward something better, and taking a new step doesn't mean the one before failed. In fact, it means the one before made some impact -- whether great or small -- that led to the next step.

Healing takes a long time, and God continues to heal me in deeper ways each time I surrender this to Him, learn something new about this addiction, and take new steps toward freedom.

burdens, silence and commodities

I'm going through a testing time in a relationship I have, and instead of giving details on the conflict itself, I want to share what God is teaching me through it.

1. Some burdens we must carry alone. We must not be so impulsive in "venting" to others.

"[We are often encouraged] to make others feel our pain as vividly as possible, to 'make much of anything appointed.' There is weakness and the encouragement of weakness in this tendency. It is one thing to feel another's pain. We are to bear one another's burdens and thus fulfill Christ's law. He bore all our griefs, infirmities, and sorrows. But we are also told to bear our own burdens. This must mean to shoulder them bravely, to think twice before laying them onto the shoulders of others who may be more heavily laden than we are." (Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity)

"If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it 'hard,' if I look back longingly upon what used to be, and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love." (Amy Carmichael, If)

2. Be silent, and wait upon the Lord.

"When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise." (King Solomon, Proverbs 10:19)

"We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to the forty years in the wilderness [which Moses experienced before being used by God to deliver the Israelites from Pharaoh's oppressive rule], as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say, 'Oh, who am I?' We have to learn the first great stride of God: 'I AM WHO I AM has sent me.'" (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

3. Don't treat relationships like a commodity. We can't give up on a relationship just because we aren't receiving from the person as much as we are giving them.

"Our lives are meant to be spent... We spend ourselves on others because Christ spent His life for us... We spend ourselves for others because Christ spent His life for them... How dare we treat people like a commodity? When you commodify someone, you assess the cost versus value -- am I getting out as much as I am putting in?... How dare we decide whether someone is worth it or not, someone whom Christ has spent His life for?"(Glenn Packiam, sermon this morning at New Life Downtown [paraphrased])

"It is more blessed to give than to receive." (Jesus, Acts 20:35)

trusted with silence: our pain for his glory

Thursday morning I read about the death and resurrection of Lazarus in John 11:1-43, prompted by the daily reading in Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest.

I never really noticed how Jesus waited to see Lazarus upon hearing he was sick. Lazarus' sisters Mary and Martha sent for Him, but He did not come right away. Chambers points out that in a way, Mary and Martha were praying to Jesus, asking Him to come and heal their brother, asking Him to be present with them, asking for His comfort.

But instead, Jesus chose to be quiet, chose to have them wait in silence and watch their brother die. And when Jesus finally goes to see them, I can't imagine how upset and confused Mary and Martha must have been, expressing these emotions by telling Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died."

Because how hard that must have been for them! This is a family Jesus loved. Mary had spent her perfume on Jesus' feet, and He can't even come heal her brother, a man Jesus deeply loved.

It wasn't that Jesus didn't care. Verses 34-35 says He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled, and that He wept. But to Mary and Martha, seeing this Savior grieving over their brother's death yet having had every power to save him had He wanted to... it must have made no sense.

But it was for the glory of God that Jesus chose not to be there when Lazarus was sick, that Lazarus had to die - so Jesus could raise him up.

Sometimes God chooses to trust us with His silence, and then He uses our pain to bring Him glory. It doesn't mean He doesn't care or He doesn't love us. Despite not coming when they had asked, Jesus wept when He did come in His own timing. He deeply cared and loved them. But our lives are all for His glory, even when the circumstances and the timing of them make no sense to us at the time.

And certainly, our lives display beauty amidst pain when God gets the glory!

I wrote this with a dear friend in mind who lost her dad last week - may you always remember God's glory seen through your dad's life, and through his death. Love ya. <3

beauty and favor

The times I am most motivated to look my best are when I feel I have been rejected in some way. Today I had an argument with someone who didn't want to spend time with me when I so badly wanted it. When I was turned down, I instantly thought, "I must look really ugly right now." I began to feel so insecure and self-conscious and started having thoughts like "I really need to lose weight" and "I should probably straighten my hair tomorrow morning."

I have long associated beauty with favor. If I am not beautiful, I will not have your favor. If I look ugly, you will not accept me. Patterns of situations in my childhood -- as I'm sure most people have -- have trained these thoughts and correlations. If you reject me, it's because I am unattractive. If I feel unattractive today, I believe you will reject me.

With every rejection comes the further instilling of insecurity in me. I have basically come to the point that I believe I am so ugly that I will never find a man who sees me as beautiful.

This is reflective of my relationship with God, from Father to daughter. I believe I only have His favor if I look physically beautiful, if I look like a princess, like one of His daughters. I look at other girls and believe this of them -- they are beautiful, they look like little princesses, like daughters of the King.

But I look at myself during my times alone with Him each morning, knowing that in all my fresh-out-of-bed glory, I must look repulsive to Him, unfitting as the King's daughter. It is in these moments that I feel I am outside His favor. But the mornings that I spend time with Him after fixing myself up -- then I am perhaps beautiful enough to be His daughter. Then I have His favor.

These are lies.

This correlation of beauty and favor comes from the father of lies, Satan -- rightly named "the accuser."

He doesn't want to spend time with you because you are ugly. 
She doesn't want to be your friend because you are repulsive. 
He won't take you as His daughter because you aren't as beautiful as the other girls.

All lies.

Believe TRUTH.

...There is no truth in [the devil]. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the Good Shepherd." (John 10:10-11)

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. (Psalm 45:11)

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. (Isaiah 62:5) 

...With both feet planted firmly on love... take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19 MSG)

porn for the brain, food for the stomach

This is not an attractive thing to admit, but I've been thinking about the similarities in my impulses to look at porn, and my impulses to eat excessively. They are similar in that when I get the urge to do either activity, I must quickly push it out of my mind lest I think on it long enough, picture myself doing it, imagine the resulting gratification -- and then do so.

Both urges come most often when I am bored. Both urges start with my thoughts. At the time, I know I should not, I know it will not be good for me, and I know I will regret it later. But in giving in -- in either sin -- it feels good, it satisfies for the shortest moment, and I am able to literally get my "fill."

Afterward, reality sets in. With porn, I feel further from God because constant images of sex are on the brain rather than Him. With food, I am full and steadily gaining weight; I know I am not glorifying God with my body.

...Their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things.(Philippians 3:19)

 “Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. (1 Corinthians 6:12-13)

I shared this concept with my parents one morning, and my mom responded by reading this passage from Jerry Bridge's Holiness Day By Day.

"Self-control involves a wider range of watchfulness than merely control of bodily appetites and desires. We must also exercise self-control of thoughts, emotions, and speech. Self-control says yes to what we should do as well as no to what we shouldn't... "I beat my body and make it my slave" (1 Corinthians 9:27).

Self-control is necessary because we're at war with our own sinful desires. James described those desires as dragging us away and enticing us into sin (1:14). Peter said they war against our souls (1 Peter 2:11). Paul spoke of them as deceitful (Ephesians 4:22). What makes those sinful desires so dangerous is that they dwell within our own heart. External temptations wouldn't be nearly as dangerous if they did not find this ally of desire right within us.

These desires are within us, and they begin with our thoughts. It is at this point that we must exercise self-control, re-train our sinful thought habits toward new, godly thought patterns so that they eventually produce fruits of righteousness in our actions.

faint not: human trafficking

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, 

 because the Lord has anointed me 

 to proclaim good news to the poor. 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

 to proclaim freedom for the captives 

 and release from darkness for the prisoners...

―Isaiah 61:1

Yobel Market hosted a screening of the documentary Nefarious: Merchant of Souls (watch the trailer) about a month ago, and the Human Trafficking Task Force of Southern Colorado hosted their 5th Annual Human Trafficking Awareness Symposium today on the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) campus, a collaboration of speakers from different organizations and departments such as the International Justice Mission (IJM), the FBI, Restore Innocence, Truckers Against Trafficking, Dream Centers, Transitions Global, and the Colorado Springs Police Department.

I attended both awareness events, and I want to share some facts, stats, quotes and takeaways.
Educate yourself.

--------------------

WHAT IS HUMAN TRAFFICKING?

Human trafficking is the recruitment, harboring, transportation, provision or obtaining of a person for labor or services, involving force, fraud and/or coercion. The purpose of subjection is involuntary servitude, peonage, debt bondage or slavery.

Sex trafficking in specific is a commercial sex act induced by force, fraud or coercion, except in cases involving a minor, which are automatically a crime without those three factors.

Often we write off prostitutes because we believe they chose that lifestyle. The truth is, some do. But human trafficking happens when perpetrators exploit vulnerability. If you take advantage of a girl who is starving and in desperate need of money and you recruit her, you are trafficking her. Human trafficking is the exploitation of vulnerability.


THE FACTS

Human trafficking is the second largest criminal industry in the world. Why? You can resell people, something you can't do with drugs or really anything else.

Human trafficking is a $32 billion/year industry.

A child is trafficked every 30 seconds. ―UNICEF

There are more than 27 million slaves around the world today. ―National Georgraphic

In India alone, 1 million children are forced into prostitution. ―Indian CBI

The age of girls trafficked continues to decrease, the youngest now being 8 years old. Why? The AIDS epidemic. "The younger the girl, the safer it is."

Public justice systems, especially in developing countries, don't work for the poor. About 4.5 billion people live outside the reach of the rule of law. Victims run from the law, not to it.

Up to 96 percent of women in prostitution want to escape but feel they can't. ―United Labor Organization

Perpetrators are committed to their crimes -- and they are used to us not being nearly as committed to fighting them.


HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN THE UNITED STATES

Approximately 17,000 - 20,000 foreign nationals are trafficked into the United States each year.

The average age of girls trafficked in the United States is 11, according to the FBI.

Human trafficking in the United States can look like kids selling magazines on the streets, girls roaming the same streets at night, massage parlors, etc. Ask questions. Why is this kid selling magazines in Colorado, saying he needs to sell just one more to win a contest, but says he is from Ohio? Why is this girl here every night, alone, walking up and down the same street? Why does this massage parlor have an RV behind the building, side doors and bolts on the doors?

In Ohio, two teenage girls were kidnapped as they were walking to Wendy's to get Frosties. They were forced into a van, were physically and sexually abused, and were then forced into truck stop prostitution. This is a common thing, for girls to sell themselves at truck stops -- and for many truckers to do nothing about it. In fact, many write the girls off and call them "lot lizards." But these girls were rescued when one trucker made an anonymous call to local authorities saying that young girls were soliciting at the truth stop and that he sensed something wrong. His call led to the girls' rescue and opened up a case that lead the authorities to catch 31 offenders, rescue 7 minors, and shut down a 13 state prostitution ring! Watch the video on this story.


HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN COLORADO

Recently, 40 massage parlors in Colorado Springs were busted for prostitution and human trafficking.

One older couple at the symposium today shared their regrets over having most likely helped along the process of trafficking a girl by mistake when they helped a frightened 18-year-old board a train. They explained that the girl didn't speak much English, said she was from Guatemala, had five siblings, and said she was about to meet her cousin who said he would take her to Tibet.

Most people today were shocked to hear that even the mountain towns in Colorado such as Cripple Creek (which I visited just last week to see the autumn colors) are destinations of sex trafficking because of the casinos.

Human trafficking stats in Denver for 2011: 52 investigations, 52 victims rescued. This year, one bust alone had 25 arrests.


INTERNATIONAL JUSTICE MISSION

IJM has four goals: victim rescue, victim aftercare, perpetrator accountability (by each country's own laws), and  structural transformation within the community. IJM's a really cool organization -- you really need to check them out if you haven't already.

At the symposium today IJM Vice President, Jim Martin, spoke on what IJM is doing in the fight against human trafficking. He shared some examples, focusing mainly on their work in the Philippines. One case he shared was how their IJM office in Cebu worked with Filipino police to rescue a girl named Charlyn in 2010. They went undercover with hidden cameras, disguising themselves as clients, paying to have sex with a girl but not doing so. Instead, once they were alone with the girl, they built trust with her and asked questions. Fighting the urge to rescue her right at that moment (the situation's a lot more complicated than that), they took that information back to the office, built the case, and then went back and raided the bar. They rescued Charlyn and brought the perpetrator to justice, sentencing him to 20 years in prison. Working with the Filipino police to ensure enforcement of the law, sentences like that send a shockwave throughout the community, telling perpetrators, You can't do this anymore.

Last year, IJM rescued 2,300 trafficking victims worldwide.

In the Philippines, IJM helped train Filipino police to form the Regional Anti-Trafficking Police Unit. Already this police unit is able to function on its own without IJM, having recently effected a rescue successfully.

The public justice system is made of four key components: police, prosecutors, judges and social workers. Each need to function well to bring about justice. However, especially in developing countries, what happens is that there is a disconnect between all four components. Police are corrupt, prosecutors are under-resourced, judges are unaccountable, and social workers are overworked. As a result, only more injustice happens.

I honestly can't remember if he was talking about the Philippines police system, the police system in developing countries, or the police system worldwide when he said this, but it's worth repeating nonetheless: "Fifteen percent of the police system is corrupt, 15 percent is sincerely good, and the other 70 percent is just waiting to see who will win."


ADDITIONAL FACTS & QUOTES FROM NEFARIOUS: MERCHANT OF SOULS

Amsterdam is well known for displaying their girls in windows, as you would sell any other "merchandise." One of the interviewees in the documentary was the store owner of one of these such prostitution shops: "You just order a girl... like you order a pizza... We have girls from 27 countries." Most were from Eastern Europe.

"Prostitution is about men masturbating in women's bodies."

"Human trafficking is simply an exploitation of vulnerability."

Ten percent of the population of Moldova, an eastern European country, is trafficked.

NOW WHAT?

Don't forget there is hope.

We have everything we need to solve this problem.

How are we already negatively involved? We are the ones demanding cheap goods that are often the products of human trafficking. Check out SlaveryFootprint.org to find out how many slaves work for you. How can we fix our involvement in that? Buy responsibly. Check out fair-trade boutiques such as Yobel Market, Sseko Designs and Ten Thousand Villages. Take the time to do research on the companies you are buying products from. Even go so far as to boycott them -- but make sure you also tell them why you are boycotting their products. (Making responsible purchases is one particular action step I want to start working on.)

Takeaway: educate and collaborate. There are many organizations working to fight human trafficking, from advocacy to rescuing victims to providing victim aftercare. I've included links to several in this post -- start doing some research and get involved! You can do so much, including buying responsibly, volunteering at a victims' safe house (check out Restore Innocence's Cinderella House), joining a Human Trafficking Task Force in your community, telling your friends and family, hosting a showing of the Nefarious: Merchant of Souls documentary, joining Live58's Global Impact Tour, fundraising, helping fund projects, praying, fasting... so much you can do!

And now that you know, you are responsible. Faint not.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” ―William Wilberforce

on passion and purity: waiting

I have read a lot of books about purity, dating and men over the past 11 years -- including but certainly not limited to When God Writes Your Love Story, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Lady in Waiting, The Truth About Guys, Every Young Woman's Battle, Let's Talk! and For Young Women Only. But none of these books have so beautifully addressed this concept of love and relationships as Elisabeth Elliot has in Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control. 

I don't know why, but I always put off reading this book when I was younger because it didn't look as colorful and "teen-friendly" as the other more modern books did. But this book, written in 1984 --supported by the author's own memories, journals and old love letters between her and her first (late) husband Jim Elliot -- is the only one I remember that has forced the reader to take a long, hard look at romance and say, "This will not fulfill me; this is not something I have to spend my life waiting for in order to truly live."

A slip of paper handed to me at a seminar had this question written on it: "What do you do when you feel you've come to a point that your singlehood appears to be an inadequate status for deep personal growth? How long do you hang on?"

Good thing I wasn't on the platform when that question came. I might have chuckled. I toyed with the idea of giving the facetious answer: "Three more days, then go out and either ask somebody to marry you or hang yourself."

But of course that was not what I said. The crux of the matter is that phrase "an inadequate status for deep personal growth." Is that what singleness is? Does that mean marriage and only marriage is an adequate status for deep personal growth? How ever did Jesus manage, then, as a single man?

I'm afraid the snake has been talking to that person. He's been sneaking up and whispering, "God is stingy. He dangles that beautiful fruit called marriage before your eyes and won't let you have it. He refuses you the only thing you need for deep personal growth, the one thing in all the world that would solve all your problems and make you really happy." (Passion and Purity, Ch. 6)

Elisabeth simply shares her life with the reader, pulling out her own experiences and drawing from them quiet but convicting truths of how we should be offering up our love lives to God. Nowhere in this book (well, the first half that I've read so far) does Elisabeth feed the reader some expectation that marriage is something He will give us. In Chapter 11, Jim shared Matthew 19:12 with Elisabeth and told her that God may be calling him to singleness -- and that, at least for that time, he was able to accept it. Likewise, Elisabeth shared Isaiah 54:5 and 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 with him, saying that singleness was something she was also considering.

No Christian ought to put himself outside the possibility that this [a life of singleness] is his assignment. The claims must be considered. Jim and I were startled to find how closely in this, as in other matters, our thoughts seemed to coincide... We decided the best thing to do was pray steadily and wait patiently till God made the way plain.

As most people know, they ended up getting married. But at the time, Jim and Elisabeth did not demand this of God. They sought the Lord full-heartedly, not even allowing their physical desires for the other to overcome them. And they were certainly there!

"I'm hungry for you, Bett," he had said. He was not one to beat around the bush. "We're alike in our desire for God. I'm glad for that. But we're different, too. I've got the body of a man, and you've got the body of a woman, and frankly, I want you. But you're not mine."

Not his. God's. That much was clear. But what was God going to do about all this? Was He interested in the plight of two college kids?... God made [the stars.] He knows their names, knows exactly where they belong. Can He keep track of us?

Each of their hearts were so committed to God that they knew marriage would not solve every problem they ever had. They knew each other could not fill the other up. They did not make each other his or her own god. 

So many books I've read have put me in this mentality of waiting. And maybe I'm the one who misunderstood and took this concept and ran with it in the wrong direction, but I've lived my life so far in this state of waiting for a man. Waiting for a relationship. Waiting for marriage. Waiting to be complete. Up until about a year ago, Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones was my favorite Christian dating book. There really are some good points in that book. But this book is all about "becoming God's best while waiting for Mr. Right." Waiting.

The first time I started challenging this concept of waiting was during a conversation I had with some of my roommates. I don't remember what it was about. All I know is that at one point I mentioned how we were in this stage of waiting for our future husbands, and one of my roommates replied, "We're not waiting." She said it firmly, and at the time I took it as defensiveness. But I'm starting to see that the Holy Spirit was using her to rebuke me for having this mentality that all my life before I get married is a waste. Before I get married, I'm just getting by, barely living, simply waiting to be rescued from singleness.

That is not the life Christ died for. I want to be thriving. Living.

There is a difference between waiting on God and waiting for marriage. The latter implies that marriage will indeed happen -- but how can we know? We don't. But the former implies waiting for whatever God reveals to be His will for our lives. Waiting and praying for marriage can be a part of waiting on God, but with the expectation that God will do as He pleases.

How long, Lord, must I wait?
Never mind, child. Trust Me.

Sorry this post was kind of all over the place. There's so much I want to share from this book, so much of how it's punching me in the gut and warming my heart all at the same time, but I didn't know where to start. Hopefully I'll get around to journaling some more about this book!